Thursday, December 24, 2009

"Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas." - Dale Evans Rogers

Someone recently informed me that I didn't have any Christmas spirit & I quickly agreed with them, happily saying that I hate the holiday & that I work in an industry where I'm dealing with nasty, rushed, hateful people all day long. That response earned me the weirdest look & I honestly couldn't figure out what said person's problem was.  I was just being honest. Bluntly so...but still. They opened that can of worms, right?

Well, that look stuck with me when I came home.  I got to thinking about it and the season and all that it entails.  Truth is...I didn't have any friggin holiday spirit. I couldn't remember the last time I had.  Actually, that's not totally true. I go to midnight mass every year & that's about it as far as I get to feeling a little holiday spirit. When I hear the choir sing "O Come All Ye Faithful." Anyway, so I just went about my, cleaning, folding laundry, texting, watching movies with the kids. Forgot all about that weird little look. Business as usual.  Right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

Fast forward to tonight. Both my brothers are here. It's been loud and rowdy and the kids are too loud & everyone is  trying to speak over each other. The boys are picking on my girls & I'm yelling at everyone to cut the crap. I'm cooking and serving and washing the 5th sinkful of dishes. We've watched movies & I've baked cookies for them & while they're eating them & arguing over who got the last 2 cookies & I'm standing near everyone taking it all in & I looked over to the Christmas tree & it all became very clear to me.  These are the moments that should make us feel holiday spirit.  It isn't how many gifts I buy. It isn't how many light decorations I put outside.  It isn't how many times I say "Happy Holidays." It's a moment of clarity within a time of total chaos when I looked around & realized how much I love my family & how lucky I am to have them.

It's realizing that in the very near future, a span of about two thousand miles will separate all of us & I will miss them. That we may not be spending the holidays together next year. It's understanding that no matter how many times my heart breaks, that I have people who love me and always will. That no matter how much I can't give them in tangible gifts, I can give them all of my love. With my heart. With the example I set for them. With the guidance I offer them. With the time I spend with them & the memories I create with them.

That's what the holidays are truly about and tonight in my kitchen, surrounded by the people who can often drive me the craziest, I was overwhelmed with beautiful, unexpected holiday spirit. And right there in that moment, I felt in my heart one of my favorite Christmas carols...

O Sing, choirs of angels,
Sing in exultation,
Sing all that hear in heaven God's holy word.
Give to our Father glory in the Highest;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

I don't know if it will last for the whole year. I don't know if it will be the greatest Christmas ever. I just know that I finally got it & for that I felt very blessed. Wishing you & yours all the best & most wonderful holiday ever.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

An open letter to my Nashville Girls

Today I took the final steps in making this move go from something I merely talk about (and stress over) to becoming a reality. Homes have been released and apartments have been secured. Utility companies have been given disconnect days. Moving companies are being dwindled down by cost and reputation. The kid's school has been notified of official withdrawal dates. I started packing! Whoa. It all suddenly feels VERY scary. I am moving ACROSS.THE.COUNTRY. To where I basically know 3 people. Holy shit Batman!!

Even as I have mini panic-attacks throughout the day, I feel an equal sense of calm and comfort. Like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This move may seem completely crazy to some people but in the middle of all of the chaos and fear is this complete and total sense of clarity. My time here has expired. It is time to close this book. Not even move to a new chapter. My ass needs a whole new binding. I need a new BOOKSHELF. And I'm about to get me one. And I am so damn excited about it!

Packing however, poses a few challenges that I was unprepared for the obvious, that packing just sucks. I've been sorting through what goes and what gets trashed and I've already come across so many memories that have reminded me that I have made (and am about to leave!) the most divine little circle of friends here. I am usually very wary of females. No, I'm not the kind of woman who hates on other chicks. I just don't usually mesh so well with them.  I'm far more like one of the guys than one of the girls. I curse like a sailor, I burp, and I have no use for marriage. See? Seriously though, up until moving to Nashville, I have had TWO good friends. Those 2 are so fantastic that I never hoped to have anymore. I would never deign to be so greedy.  Then by some delightful alignment of planets in the skies I met some women here who are amazing and will be missed so terribly that my heart aches just writing this.

We've formed a group so phenomenally different in so many ways that we probably shouldn't even BE friends. I mean WORLDS apart. Older, younger, intellectual, creative, silly, serious, party animals, teetotalers, lovers, fighters, sugar, spice, saints & angels...this group fits all of it. In those differences comes this magic that I never in my life could have imagined would have happened. Their support over the course of the passed year especially, has been invaluable to me. These girls have helped keep my ass from going right over the deep end. They've let me laugh, cry, curse, drink, talk, pass out, talk some more and some more and even then, some more. They've become additions to my family. Spent holidays with me and my children and family.

And I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss them more than any pretty words in the English language can ever do any of them justice. I'll miss Puerto Rican Sunday Fundays. I'll miss going to shows and restaurants and DANCING and Pure Barre-ing and shopping and drinking. I'll miss Cabana nights filled with gossip and love and wine and dessert! My heart hurts thinking about how limited these times will be after February.

It should be stated though that I worked as hard as I did to be sure that we are all on a certain social network for a reason. I will need constant communication with you all. Inside jokes will be in abundance and demanded. Trips to visit one another will happen. A LOT. For I believe in my heart of hearts that true friendship can never ever be diminished by time or distance. I believe we were all meant to be in each others lives to love and support each other. To make each other stronger, braver and better.

So this little post is especially for you my beautiful J Squad. You have enriched my life in so many ways. Big and small. You've touched the lives of my daughters. You've shown them that women are capable of healthy and significant relationships with one another. You've helped them deal with the pain they've dealt with this year. You put some of the color back in my life when my world went totally gray and you've breathed life back into my lungs when I was sure I was down to my last breath. You ladies are the model from which strong, positive, independent, fierce, loyal women were created. I know you will all blaze amazing trails for others to learn from and aspire to.

I'm only a phone call/text/Tweet away. So let's not let this be as bad as it may seem for the next few weeks. We are bound by something that a few silly states can't take away. When women come together, we become as we were meant to be. Unstoppable. I cannot wait to see what new journeys this new book will take me on...but it's the chapters that include you all that I know are going to make it that much better....

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

"It really only works out once." -JKF

I have just found out that I wasted the last 8+ years of my life. I want to be angry about it but I'm actually just sitting here laughing at how phenomenally fucking stupid I've been. Actually, not for the relationship part, but for the mourning period I've put myself through since. There is nothing like clarity to help you jump start your incentive to LET GO.

There is a saying that goes, "When somebody shows you their true colors, believe them." I have often quoted this one myself. Yet here I am justifying and then forgiving insult after insult, lie after lie, and transgression after transgression. What in the hell is wrong with me? This fool has been showing me every true color since the moment his weak ass hit the state line! His strength was derived from ME! And I let him take it with him for the last year!!

When you LOVE somebody, really love them. Like from the core of your soul and the very foundation by which your world used to stand is shattered and is forever changed as a result; you simply  DO NOT MOVE PAST IT THAT QUICKLY.  You can't. I don't care what you've convinced yourself. I don't care how much you ignore it and try to act like it doesn't exist. Things like that don't just GO AWAY. They get BURIED away.  You can bang as much new ass as you like and it won't change the truth.

Funny enough, just after this last one left, the one before him showed back up. It was actually a very similar situation. I'm the greatest thing on God's green earth blah blah blah. And the same way I knew it would play out, it DID. Here he was back again with the "I screwed up. I miss you. You were always the one. I'm miserable now. I coulda, I shoulda.Can we please..." All I heard was I'm WEAK. WEAK. WEAK. The SAME thing will happen with this one. Up until an hour ago, I have been a magnet for unavailable men. Ones who just couldn't man up when it came right down down to it. Still, I have had some of the most amazing, wonderful positive relationships EVER. Not any cheaters or liars. Things were great until the very last second that is, when they've turned tail on me. That shit just ended right now.

If you aren't coming hard, coming 100%, then stay away from me. I don't love easy, I am not weak and I don't tuck tail and run when the shit gets tough. No more will I permit this sort of person to gain access to me. When I love, I'm all in. I don't hang around for months, then years if I'm unsure. I love from the very fiber of my core. I don't give of my heart and soul easily so it is a personal affront to me that someone would come into my world, take and take and take and then shit on it because they aren't strong enough to hang in there when things don't fit it to their perfect little idea of what their life and real love is. And unlike those same people, I don't "just get over it" when said relationship ends. It takes me time to heal. It takes me time to mourn. It takes me time to move forward. Because I.Love.For.Real.

I don't want to get into something with somebody new and shit all over their world because I haven't finished dealing with the things that hurt me and I'm not yet over. I don't do that "get over one person with the next one" nonsense. It is not how it should be done because it isn't true. So yes, I may  have cried, and been sad and felt like absolute crap for the last year but I have been nothing but honest and real with mine. I'm not totally over it. I'm not ready to move forward. But when I do, and I will, it will be FINITE.

I'm not going to have to worry about old ghosts popping back up. Because I will have officially exorcised the demon. And when I DO move past it, and those lies come front and center...when the realization of the duplicity and foolish ways become clear,  DO NOT come calling me. I won't be here waiting. Right this second I may still a work in progress regarding this but I won't be for too much longer. I am taking my strength back. You don't deserve it and you didn't deserve me.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

~ Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Henry Wadsworth

I must start with an apology to my lovely readers (all 6 of you!) for completely ignoring my little ranting page for over a month. I had a lovely birthday surrounded by loved ones and my delightful little circle of friends who are just so spectacularly good to me. With regards to my friends & family, I am a lucky, lucky girl.

It is with having just stated that, that I feel like the biggest shithead on earth for the next part of this entry.  I keep trying to keep my head up & my faith in front of me to get me through this period of my life. I have people in my world who would listen to me cry/moan/complain/rant endlessly but that's not how I'm built. For as much as I like to chat, there are things I just don't have the courage to speak out loud about. Things that are so out of the scope of my character that I hesitate to even write them here. To be honest, I'm even sort of sick of myself at this point, but I just don't feel good about much anymore. I mean about ME. Not my babies, or my family & friends.

Who took all of the color out of my life? When did my world go flat and gray? Does that even make sense to anybody else or am I really the only one who feels like this? Simple pleasures are lost. Food just doesn't taste as good. Even when I'm shoving it all in to fill the void, there is no real taste. I can't remember the last time I read a book.  Music only moves me when it makes my tear ducts react & I should mention that they should be paid time and a half or even double time these days. The only thing I feel to any real degree is sadness. Raw, ragged, all encompassing sadness.        

I find myself wishing my life away. Dreaming of a different time, another place, another Me. Daydreaming for hours on end. Turning the phone off. Communicating through abstract quotes and song lyrics.  How do I get ME back? I haven't been able to muster up the damn energy to WRITE this blog. You know, because sitting in my PJs, drinking a glass of wine in front of my computer BY MYSELF jotting down the nonsense that my brain puts forth is such a tremendous task. What is that all about? What is wrong with me?

I'm not a sad person. This isn't normal for me, and yet, I have moved very comfortably into it's zip code and my plot of land is growing at an alarming rate. I find myself holding onto my little girl's hugs for extended time...and not just because I love for them to hug me, but because I need an extra moment to compose myself. In case you didn't know, it scares the kiddies when Mommy doesn't stop crying. Text me, call me, sit near me and chat with me and I'll give you the impression that I am just dandy. The irony in it is that I am now a wonderful actress. (Said with as much distaste as Italics can imply) I am the very thing that I hate. A liar. Pretending to be what I am not for everyone else's approval & comfort.

My rational brain wants me to kick my own ass & tell me to suck it up and move forward, but something very dark has taken hold and that other part is taking over more and more every day. (I'm a Libra, for anybody into that sort of thing.) I've become an emotional cutter. Withdrawn. Isolated. Irrational. Angry. (Oh wait. That part is actually normal)...and I am quite comfortable here. Numbness would be great if it were permanent, but alas, not the case. I feel this weariness. I'm wearing it like my favorite pair of shoes.

So NOW what? I've put it out there. Others can read it and weigh in and have an opinion. Will it motivate me to get the fuck over it? (That's really what you're thinking, right?) Yeah, I'd like to say that it will. I'm not so sure. It all feels a little out of my control.  Like I'm in here somewhere but my body is on cruise control. I don't know what it's going to take. I do know that I miss enjoying things. I miss lauging because something really is funny, not because it's the part where I'm expected to. I miss warmth. This constant cold isn't comfortable. It'd be nice to wake up without SOME part of me hurting or aching. I want to feel better, I do. I just don't really remember how or even what that is anymore.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another candle on the cake

I love my birthday. LOVE it.  It is MY own holiday.  In fact, I love it so much, I usually celebrate birthday week.  Not just for me either.  I do birthday week for my children too.  I like the whole thing too.  I like cake. I like presents.  I like cards.  I like gatherings with the people that I love and who love me. I like champagne and wine...and there is usually plenty of that flowing for my birthday festivities! There are holidays for all kinds of stupid shit,  (Please do NOT get me started about Valentine's day...) but birthdays are the day the good Lord gave us to celebrate ourselves. 

Well, I haven't been my usual chipper party self this year and that's really pissing me off right now. Yes, it's been an absolutely crap year but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that this is the first year I started to understand all of those women who cry on their birthday and sit in a dark room and will it away.  Yes kids. To add insult to injury and pile on to ALL the other injustices I've endured , this year gravity has begun to wage it's war on me. Now don't start planning all your replies to me about how great I "still" look and how I "look good for having had children."  Hear me out dammit.

You may have noticed if you've read the other posts that I am Puerto Rican. : )  Hence, I have always had a big ass.  I should pause here and make it very clear that I like having a big ass.  Well, in the past year, my lovely and most favorite body part has started to forget it's address and has started shacking up with my upper legs.  It's an absolute affront!  NOBODY wants the Butt-leg!!  WHY, I ask you, is my ass fooling around with my legs? What happened to the lovely curve there, that existed to separate the 2 properties?? Did it get evicted?  Oh, but yes it did. By none other than that rat bastard Gravity.

And Gravity is working on other parts of me too.  Don't think it's just working on just one region.  No sir.  It has started squatting on what used to be my upper arms and I now "lovingly" refer to as my mud flaps. (No, not those mud flaps...come on now. Get your minds out of the gutter. If I ever start blogging about my nether regions, I fully expect someone to come and confiscate my laptop.) You know what I mean, when you're waving and your entire arm jumps in on the action? If I waved with both hands I'd friggin take flight. Don't even get me started on the road map Gravity started on my forehead. When the hell did these lines start getting built? I know I frown quite a bit but DAMN! Now when I quit scowling, some of the squinty lines stay put. Then there are the dark circles and the random aches and pains I'll just wake up with. When did this all happen? Have I been so busy wallowing that I didn't notice? And could the past year be to blame for the aging I've suddenly started to endure? Oh Helllll NO!!

I know that aging is ultimately a privilege and that I should be gracious about it. I really do.  Truly, no matter how low I get I understand that every new day is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest and appreciated.  But I am not ready to start conceding defeat just yet either! I don't want to be sitting in my room all alone on my special day crying and waiting for it to be over.  So, yes, some things may have started to change. Maybe some of them I can do something about.  And maybe some of them, I'm just going to have to start getting used to.  But on this next birthday coming up, I am going to get my sad, sorry (newly located) ass all done up. I'm going to rock my highest heels. I'm going to straighten up my posture (even if I'll have that weird lower back thing later) and I am going to surround myself with those who truly love me. Who don't see any of these new changes(yet!) and see through to the real me and love me still. I'm going to endure the embarrassment of being sung Happy Birthday in front of a whole lot of strangers and prepare my lungs to blow out one more candle on the cake. I'm going to happily celebrate ME. And come what may in this next year, I am going to thank God for each new day he gives me and whatever he throws my way.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Change must come

If you've read this blog before, you know that times have been rough around here lately.  I have been feeling pretty low.  When I get down on myself, I tend to look at my contribution to the events that have occurred and ask myself what, if anything, I could have done to prevent them from happening.  Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed the outcome for the better?  Hell...I could drown in the "coulda shoulda wouldas" these days.  I'm 'bout sick of all of this damn moping.   I am not a damned wuss and I will not go out like this.  Well then kids, it is officially time for a change.  I truly believe that if you change your surroundings that things will change for the better.  A life Feng Shui  if you will.

I took a little trip last January during one of the darkest periods of my life.  I went to Sacramento to visit a dear friend and had a much needed get-away. In addition to getting to hang out with one of my most favorite people, I looked around and realized; I was in California! I was most unprepared for my reaction. I remember stepping out of that airport and feeling something that I had not felt for a long time here in Nashville.  I felt that was the exact place I was meant to be at that moment.  In fairness, I am a New Yorker and I guess I kind of knew that I was not destined to live in the South forever. So I shouldn't have been totally shocked to have felt like my time here was ending.  Things happened here that made me believe I could stay.  Some of those very things changed completely and are the reasons this city just ain't home no more....

On that day though, I felt more at home than I had since I was a kid coming back to Brooklyn from summer vacations with my Dad.  The trip was fun, but now I was home... Except, my visit was the opposite of that.  When I got to my vacation destination, something clicked.  I don't really know why.  I just know that I have missed that feeling since.  I got back to Nashville and realized that this was no longer my home.  It stopped being as much somewhere along the way and I don't know exactly when that happened but I've felt lost here for a long time.  I just don't belong here anymore.  I guess I've known that deep down for a long time.

Something about California spoke to me. Drew me in. You might think me crazy trying to move clear across the country to a state that is in a financial disaster for nothing more than some gut feeling.  I concur. Having admitted that though, I've chosen to ignore my gut instinct a few times in my life and it's ended pretty disastrously so I'm just going to go for this.  Anyway, what have I got to lose really?  The only thing keeping me here is my family.  Guess what? They'll always be my family.  I'll miss them terribly, but they're making their own lives too.  I'm jobless.  Again.  What rooted me here has lost its damn mind and doesn't actually even exist anymore.  My friendships here are of the sort that I don't worry will fade.  I have made quite the circle here.  Some of these people have held my hand through the darkest hours.  Have laughed with me. Cried with me. Have eaten with me and my family... have become my extended family. The ones that matter will continue to be near and dear to my heart even if there is distance between us. Those ties, I don't worry about.

I will be sad leaving here though.  I'll cry like a damn fool when I go.  There are memories and places and people...  There are things that I am going to hate to leave behind and there are some others that I cannot wait to never see or think about again.  But I am SO ready for new places and faces and things.  I haven't had a sense of adventure about my life in so long.  I want to feel a spark about getting out of bed in the morning and looking forward to exploring new things.  I want my girls to enjoy the ocean and the mountains.  I want new friends and relationships.  I want to hike and swim and snowboard!  I'm ready.  It's time.  I can feel it.  If I stay here I'll die a slow one. So I bid you goodbye Nashville.  My days here are quite literally numbered and that's just fine by me!

In closing, I'll borrow a few words from someone who has already said them perfectly before me:

"It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change gon' come..."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Do I suck?

I would categorize myself as a fairly confident woman. Not arrogant. Not self absorbed. Confident. Usually, I believe in myself and my abilities. I would even go so far as to say that others would say the same about me. I have always believed my own hype so to speak. I know that if I don't believe in me, then why would anyone else? Having stated that, I will also own up to having bouts of anxiety and I most certainly do not ALWAYS feel said confidence. That's why I said confident and not egotistical a' la Kanye if you get my drift.

I'd also like to believe that I am a fairly good person. I'm bluntly honest and I think I'm a good friend. I believe myself to be a good mother and human being overall. I volunteer in my community. I am smart, strong, loyal and independent. I have a core group of friends that I know would do ANYTHING at all that they could for me. My family relies on me when things get crazy. I'm usually the person that holds it all together for everyone else. Why am I laying out my attributes here to you?

Because I have had the WORSE friggin' year EVER and as a result, I am having a major crisis of faith in myself. I have been fired from two jobs this year alone. One of them that I'd only had for three weeks!!! A job that I thoroughly enjoyed. I thought I'd be there long enough to make some serious power moves in my life. But here we go again... My attitude. How "I come off to people." I'm rude. I'm short. I'm not friendly. I just don't understand why the hell I've been having such a polarizing effect on people here lately. I used to think I was pretty good at what I do. That is until the recent firings. Between that and the full on abandonment of the break up from hell, I'm really starting to question myself. And the question is...Do I Suck?

Seriously. Have I been totally and completely misguided about myself? Am I not any of the things I have always believed myself to be? I used to think that I was going to BE somebody. That I would change things for the better. That I would MATTER. That my advice would have weight and my word would be taken as solid. I thought I was so different. With regards to That Relationship, I look back and realize how smug I was. With my perfect looking man who LOVED me and treated me with respect and loyalty. My idealistic belief that he could see me as a woman, independent of my children and see that despite the baggage that I come with, that I am special. In just one year, I don't really know if I believe any of it anymore.

I don't feel relevant or special or important or useful at all. These days I feel lonely. Useless. Purposeless. Sad. Irrelevant. Embarrassed. I feel like nobody would be proud of me for I have accomplished nothing. I'm speaking strictly of myself here. My children are the ONLY thing keeping me afloat these days. The only reason that I haven't let the darkness completely take over me. Believe me, I have flirted with that idea a whole lot. I have days like today where I could sit and stare at nothing for hours on end. I could stay in bed for days and not give a wit about anything at all. I'm talking about the feeling that if I simply disappeared off the side of the planet right now would anyone notice...?

I'm not looking for some sympathy. I'm not having a pity party. I've just suddenly been gripped with this fear that I'm not the person I used to think I was and if that is indeed true, then Who Am I? What purpose do I serve here? The scary answer to that right now, is I'm nobody. I am nobody that anybody cares about. A person people don't like. Once upon a time I wouldn't have given a shit about that. I am scared. Today I just don't feel secure in what I knew to be reality a mere 24 hours ago. When I've felt down in the past, I knew I had to take the time to wallow in whatever funk I was feeling and move beyond it. This is the first time in my life, I truly don't know how to do that. That paralyzes me with a terror like nothing I have ever felt.

I suppose this is what some might call rock bottom. Others still would categorize this as depression. All I know is that right now, I am deep down in the depths of a despair that I have no idea how to climb out from. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to reach out to friends. I don't want to listen to music or read or work out. I want to be all alone. I want it to be cold and grey and cloudy. I don't care that the bills are due soon and I have no means by which to take care of them. They can take the house, turn off the phones, the sun could quit rising and I don't think I'd really notice.

What does one do when everything that used to matter simply stops? Where did the old me go? Does the old me need to stay gone? Again, I have to ask myself: Do I Suck? I just don't know anymore. And that is the scariest answer of them all...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

What I miss.

Sunday is by far the hardest day of the week. I know some of you would have figured it to be Saturday night. The night to go out and usually dance till the ugly lights came on. There is most certainly some of that. No doubt. Sunday though...that's the killer. Rainy Sundays actually. There is a pain in the chest. A closing of the throat. So may fresh tears shed. Nothing hurts more than a rainy Sunday.

You see, that was the day. To just be together. There are things that couples do. Routines they fall into. Habits get formed. Especially after a long period of time in a relationship. Hanging out with someone for 8 years...four of them being intimate...well, there's a whole lot of habit and routine to adjust to no longer having. I don't struggle with all of this nearly as much on any other day of the week. The loneliness always shines so bright on Sunday.

When you love someone, truly love them...the simplest act can be transformed into a moment. Waking up to him making me breakfast in bed. After breakfast we would usually climb back in bed to watch movies. Especially if it was raining. It got to the point over time where he would say it before I could. "Look baby, it's a rainy Sunday." There is something so delicious about cooking with the one that you love while your favorite set list plays in the background. Sharing a bottle of wine. Sitting on the couch together while he played with my hair. It was comfortable. Sexy. Romantic. It

There are so many Sundays to choose from when you have that long of a time together. Those long Sunday drives with the top down. Destination nowhere and that was perfectly fine. Reading together at the coffee shop. Picnics under a tree. Laying together in the hammock we picked up in Puerto Rico. Reading in bed together, both of us in our glasses. Pizza from our favorite Italian hole-in-the-wall. Dinner with his parents. Me cooking at my place for the entire Puerto Rican clan. Him teaching her how to dance while she stood on his feet. Laying across his chest when I was falling asleep.

So these last 51 weeks of Sundays have cut through my heart. There have been so many sunsets and rainstorms and dinners and songs and stories that I wish with all my soul I could have shared with him. So many quiet beautiful moments lost. So many gentle touches and warm looks; opportunities that have just...passed us by. Does he wake up on a rainy Sunday and think about any of it? Do I cross his mind? I think the worse part is that I know the answer to that question is yes and it doesn't matter anyway.

Simply put, I know that over time the pain will subside. The memories will fade. And I hate that I'm afraid of that happening. Why do we build these beautiful relationships and memories and then have to sit by and wait for them to fade away? It all feels so sad. What was the point of it all? All I know for certain is that at this moment, on this particularly low Sunday, being with him is what I miss.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Purpose - an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal

It's always weird when something is said in casual conversation and it actually happens soon after. I'm no psychic, but I have had plenty of conversations that have turned out to be prophetic and it is usually chilling and unnerving. Read on friends...

Several weeks ago I was on the phone with my best friend and we got on to the subject of all of these celebrities who have died recently. I said something about being at the age where I wasn't ready to deal with our peers starting to pass on and she responded by saying that it was the parents of our peers who were all starting to die. That shocked me. Is that true? Is that the place I am in my lifeline? Whoa.

Fast forward to this past week when I get a call that a dear friend's father is in the hospital. I guess I didn't really understand how serious it was until she requested a three-way call between herself, my sister & I later on that night. She was telling us that he didn't want to know how much time he had left. He told her about all of the things he wanted to do before he passed. As the details came pouring out, I tried to remain calm to be supportive and strong for my friend. The truth though, was that I broke out into a cold sweat recollecting my earlier conversation. I couldn't help but think that we are all far too young to be going through this. My parents had me when they were very young so I guess I just assume everyone else's parents are in that same group. But the truth is the age thing doesn't matter. I just read about about a 45-year-old father, a health nut no less, who dropped dead of a heart attack walking across his driveway. None of us know when our time is up. None of us can really prepare for that. We certainly can't prepare for when it's our parents time either.

And it has since just sort of weighed on me. I couldn't help but think of my own mortality. My purpose. Damn that purpose. It's always the thing you think about when the topics of life and death come up. That whole "what have I contributed" thing. I subscribe to the idea that one should try to go to bed just a tiny bit better of a person than one did when they woke up that morning, however minuscule that may be. I really do try to live that way. I do volunteer work. I donate blood. I spend a lot of time with my children. I keep a great circle of friends. I spend time with my family. All very little things in the grand scheme. Meaningful to ME none the less. What I've been really struggling with though, is the bigger picture. What do I want out of life. How is happiness defined by ME. I know we all struggle with these things but after the year I've had and now my friend's dad...well, I just don't want to wait until my days are numbered to do the things I want to do. To live the life that I feel I want to live.

So what is it that I want? Perhaps the best place to start would be to think about what I've accomplished in my life already. The things I'm proud of. Then start thinking about what I'd like to add to that. I've done some wonderful things. Some exciting things. What about meaningful ones? This is the quandary. I don't want to lolly gag through my days and get to the end and think to myself "Damn. I should have done so and so."

I guess the point to all of this is; maybe we should all be asking ourselves what we can do to gain more purpose to our lives. What meaningful things do we want to do to add to this tiny bit of time we are all allotted. 75 or so years is a mere speck if you think about it. Someone very special once gave me a gift with the quote "Happiness is a journey, not a destination." I kept waiting for that finish line where I'd wake up and think, "Wow. I've arrived. I am now happy." It doesn't really happen that way, does it? I didn't understand that until very recently.

So, here is some of my "to do" list, so to speak. I am going to own my own business. I am going to see London and Greece. I am going to learn Italian. I will love...again. I am going to start a charity foundation for young girls. I will teach teach my daughters to love themselves first and foremost. I'm going to tell my parents and my grandmothers that I love them every chance I get while they're still here to hear it.

That was just a tiny glimpse of mine. What's on your list? Let's all try to stop living with the "one day I'm going to" mentality. Live every day like there is a time limit left. In truth, there really is.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Anger - a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.

I set this little blog up long ago and decided not to publish because I really didn't think anyone would care to read about the silly rantings of a lathered up, broken-hearted, overwhelmed Puerto Rican. Well, if I don't release some of this it could be one of YOU that will unwittingly come into harms way on the day I finally snap. So here goes. My attempt to unload...and NOT see the inside of a women's prison. (They wouldn't let me take my Jimmy Choos and frankly, that is reason ENOUGH to stay the fuck out of there!)

Welcome to the world of unbridled anger. As the definition states, anger is usually the outcome of being wronged. I'd be a boldfaced liar if I didn't state early on and clearly that a LARGE part of my current foul temperament comes at the hands of being on the shitty end of a break-up. Not some "It's not working between us" break up. One of those break-ups that makes positively ZERO sense. Till the LAST day, I was the most amazing, beautiful, fantastic woman ever. I am not delusional folks. This was a 4+ year relationship that was for all intents and purposes, the stuff that you read about. I had the best friend AND the lover.

When he moved, it was with my full support. I was wronged only in that I wasn't given ANY clue of how it would all go down when he stepped one foot out of the state line. Promises were made, and very quickly forgotten. Feelings were very quickly tamped down and even more quickly, simply forgotten. You know that saying - "If you love someone, set them free" and all that good stuff? I call BULLSHIT. If you love someone and they love you, why in the fuck should you let them go???? I did that, and lemme tell ya. It didn't work the way they'd have you believe! Now I know that SOMEONE is going to say, "well then you weren't meant to be. " Save it. This isn't an open forum. I don't want to hear it. This is my space to have the opinions. (I kid, I kid...sort of....) The REAL expression to keep in mind is "Out of sight - Out of mind."

I will never get why people do the shit they do to one another. Poll a room and almost everyone will say they are looking for basically the same things. Honesty. Love. Respect. Morals. Physical attraction. Then why I ask you, do people walk away from each other? Lie to one another? Cheat? I mean damn! This isn't difficult stuff. If I get involved with someone, I can usually figure out pretty quickly if there is potential for something good to come of it. If not, onward and forward. I don't want a place holder. I want the "real" thing. I thought I already had it, but clearly I was wrong.

Back into the mix I go. Unwillingly, I'll admit. Very skittish. Hoping for the best just the same. I deserve it. No matter how battered and bruised I came out of this last one, I know my worth. That comes from me. So upon his exit, he may have made off with my heart, but he won't take that from me. I may stumble, but I won't stay down for long.