Monday, September 28, 2009

Do I suck?

I would categorize myself as a fairly confident woman. Not arrogant. Not self absorbed. Confident. Usually, I believe in myself and my abilities. I would even go so far as to say that others would say the same about me. I have always believed my own hype so to speak. I know that if I don't believe in me, then why would anyone else? Having stated that, I will also own up to having bouts of anxiety and I most certainly do not ALWAYS feel said confidence. That's why I said confident and not egotistical a' la Kanye if you get my drift.

I'd also like to believe that I am a fairly good person. I'm bluntly honest and I think I'm a good friend. I believe myself to be a good mother and human being overall. I volunteer in my community. I am smart, strong, loyal and independent. I have a core group of friends that I know would do ANYTHING at all that they could for me. My family relies on me when things get crazy. I'm usually the person that holds it all together for everyone else. Why am I laying out my attributes here to you?

Because I have had the WORSE friggin' year EVER and as a result, I am having a major crisis of faith in myself. I have been fired from two jobs this year alone. One of them that I'd only had for three weeks!!! A job that I thoroughly enjoyed. I thought I'd be there long enough to make some serious power moves in my life. But here we go again... My attitude. How "I come off to people." I'm rude. I'm short. I'm not friendly. I just don't understand why the hell I've been having such a polarizing effect on people here lately. I used to think I was pretty good at what I do. That is until the recent firings. Between that and the full on abandonment of the break up from hell, I'm really starting to question myself. And the question is...Do I Suck?

Seriously. Have I been totally and completely misguided about myself? Am I not any of the things I have always believed myself to be? I used to think that I was going to BE somebody. That I would change things for the better. That I would MATTER. That my advice would have weight and my word would be taken as solid. I thought I was so different. With regards to That Relationship, I look back and realize how smug I was. With my perfect looking man who LOVED me and treated me with respect and loyalty. My idealistic belief that he could see me as a woman, independent of my children and see that despite the baggage that I come with, that I am special. In just one year, I don't really know if I believe any of it anymore.

I don't feel relevant or special or important or useful at all. These days I feel lonely. Useless. Purposeless. Sad. Irrelevant. Embarrassed. I feel like nobody would be proud of me for I have accomplished nothing. I'm speaking strictly of myself here. My children are the ONLY thing keeping me afloat these days. The only reason that I haven't let the darkness completely take over me. Believe me, I have flirted with that idea a whole lot. I have days like today where I could sit and stare at nothing for hours on end. I could stay in bed for days and not give a wit about anything at all. I'm talking about the feeling that if I simply disappeared off the side of the planet right now would anyone notice...?

I'm not looking for some sympathy. I'm not having a pity party. I've just suddenly been gripped with this fear that I'm not the person I used to think I was and if that is indeed true, then Who Am I? What purpose do I serve here? The scary answer to that right now, is I'm nobody. I am nobody that anybody cares about. A person people don't like. Once upon a time I wouldn't have given a shit about that. I am scared. Today I just don't feel secure in what I knew to be reality a mere 24 hours ago. When I've felt down in the past, I knew I had to take the time to wallow in whatever funk I was feeling and move beyond it. This is the first time in my life, I truly don't know how to do that. That paralyzes me with a terror like nothing I have ever felt.

I suppose this is what some might call rock bottom. Others still would categorize this as depression. All I know is that right now, I am deep down in the depths of a despair that I have no idea how to climb out from. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to reach out to friends. I don't want to listen to music or read or work out. I want to be all alone. I want it to be cold and grey and cloudy. I don't care that the bills are due soon and I have no means by which to take care of them. They can take the house, turn off the phones, the sun could quit rising and I don't think I'd really notice.

What does one do when everything that used to matter simply stops? Where did the old me go? Does the old me need to stay gone? Again, I have to ask myself: Do I Suck? I just don't know anymore. And that is the scariest answer of them all...


  1. Wow.. what a sad story... If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were on the brink of killing someone... maybe even yourself! Of course, that's not the reality of it at all is it now?

    There come moments in life when must face Truth... and there are different degrees of truth? The Truth comes at times in very profound ways. Sometimes subtle, most times like a freight train. This sounds like a frieght train kinda of truth. We all question ourselves about something. We all have doubts about who and what we are. No one is immune from self-doubt. But when it comes as it has for you, you believe that it's time to scrutinize yourself and come to grips with the truth about what is it really all about. Not just ourselves, but all of it. Why are we here? What is my purpose? EVERYONE asks themselves those same questions... over 20 billion people have lived on this planet since the beginning of mankinds history and they all have asked that very question in multiple languages. At some point they find an answer but then question if the answer found is the right one. One thing I know for certain, we, as humans, don't know the answer()s. Philosphers, World Leaders, poor men, rich men, beggar men and theifs don't know the answer(s). So maybe we look to a higher power and ask those questions. At some point, the answer will present itself. It'll stare you right in the face. Actually, it really always has been there... it's just too close to see it. So step back... look at the forest not so close to the trees. The answers you seek are not far away.

  2. Thank you for the comment. I appreciate it and hope the answer is indeed close by.

    So that anyone reading is clear...NO suicidal (or homicidal, hard to believe; I KNOW!) thoughts are being had by the author. Just venting. =)