Sunday, March 28, 2010

"Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom." -Hitch

I'm about to come clean about something with you all.  Here goes: I have NEVER been on a date.

Now hang on before you start yelling. I don't mean the kind where you go out to dinner & a movie with your man. I'm talking about the ones where you meet somebody, exchange phone numbers, they call you and you go out and have that awkward "getting to know each other," long gaps of dead silence kind of date. I have NEVER done it.

ANYway, the reason I bring all of this up is because one of my wonderful friends has decided that I need to get out there and subject myself to the discomfort that seemingly, you all have suffered... Wait, no. What I meant to say is that she thinks that I need to go out and have some fun. According to her, "It's time."  <------  (Is that  better Bubbles?)

I'll let you all in on something else... I'm sort of a serial monogamist. I'm 34 and have had three very serious long-term relationships (the first one produced my three daughters) and a couple of not super serious sorta longish ones. Between those situations, I have been DEAD single. No going out. No hook ups. No nada. (you catching my drift here?) Not even kissing. I think I'm taking the process too seriously. In all of my serious relationship-having, I may have missed out on the "fun" part of it. What it really is, is that I like my relationships to be with people that I've known for a good period of time & I can sincerely say that we are friends first.

Sounds like the recipe for a successful relationship situation, right? ...............................................................................................................

Oh, forgive me for the long pause. I was rolling around laughing/crying on the floor. Psh...

Hmmm.... I mean, unlike SOME people I know, I've only JUST started to move passed my last er.... "situation." I'm mean, we don't all run around getting over one relationship by getting engaged to another....But I digress....
Am I ready to possibly meet someone else? Maybe. I typically like a good loooong celibacy run to clear my mind after some jackass breaks my heart. Oooh. Wait that sounded bitter... Let's try that again.
I usually need  an extended period of time to reflect on the things that went wrong in the relationship and look at what I may have contributed to it's demise.

Yeah, that was WAY better. HA!

What I need to know though, is, how does this whole routine work? Where do I meet men who will ask me for my number and then offer to take me out? I doubt I should be trolling the clubs. Do I show my independence and pay for my own way? What if this person is a total A-Hole? Should I drive separately, just in case? I guess what I'm missing is the process. Aw hell, I can't lie; even writing that makes me feel like an inexperienced, insecure  17-year-old. What strong, smart, woman doesn't know how to do this? *Raising Hand High* This one right here.

Said friend even suggested an ONLINE DATING SITE!  *GASP* I could NEVER subject myself to that! The very idea of it seems so CREEPY! WHO does that? Isn't it just a bunch of creepy guys? (Seriously here, I'mma need some feedback if anyone's ever done it) Don't you have to pay for those things? I don't need to go on a shitty date THAT badly! ...Or do I....?  hmmmm.... I mean, I AM new to this city. I only know four people here. How the hell else am I going to get back in the game?

I like the whole dating process to be a bit more organic. The problem is, it is PAINFULLY obvious that my method has NOT worked for me thus far. So I may have to give this whole thing some real consideration. Fix-ups and online dating seem so contrived. And we all know that you could potentially create an entire persona online, post a fake pic and next thing I know, I'll end up on a date with somebody who doesn't know how to use utensils, sweats profusely, (!!)  and looks like his parents are related.

Before you go jumping on your soapbox, don't act like looks aren't important. I am fully disclosing that I like hot men. A persons personality isn't the first thing anybody notices, especially if you're only seeing their picture or have only just met. If I'm not remotely attracted to somebody, it isn't going to work out. So save the whole speech about being shallow. It definitely isn't the only, or even most important thing, but it IS important.

So, I have been given a deadline. I have ONE month to meet someone on my own and go out on a real date. If I don't make it happen by then, this chick is going to sign me up for an online dating forum. I'm just not trying to go that route. I'm a tiny bit terrified here. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen!

But if I don't get my ass back out there, I will surely spend this next chapter of my life collecting cats and making my own candles. I can't have that. I may be battered and bruised but I'm not broken.  I'm still too hot & sexy to lock it up already. ; ) Yeah, I said it.

One month kids. ONE MONTH. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, feel free to offer any advice or share any good or any horror stories (which I'm FAR more interested in!) haha! Now I gotta go find me a hot man to go have an uncomfortable dinner with! Where shall I start.....?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hello Sacramento, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance....SMACK!

Hello lovely people who listen to me rant & rave. I have been MIA and for that I apologize. I finally made the big cross country move happen. YAY for that!! The drive was overwhelming & I would be totally remiss if I did not throw some love at my dear friend Jenn who was so brave to help us make that drive. I am a difficult person to love under normal circumstances, but throw in leaving everyone I know & love, me driving a 16 foot truck with my entire household in it including my dogs & a cat, and my mother & children in the car up ahead...and well, I'm just miserable, volatile, & hateful. WHEW! Just writing that made me tired!

Much has changed along with my zip code my friends. California is as beautiful as they tell you. Driving across the country was fun, with the exception of Amarillo,Texas. No offense to any Texans, this is not a personal statement. Amarillo smells like a Port O Potty at a monster truck rally. The WHOLE city. YUCK!!! My first fit of violent rage began there... But I digress...

The weather here  has been fantastic. Everyone is out jogging & walking their dogs.  There is a ton of culture and diversity. It's just been a real delight so far. And since I've been here 2 nearly 3 little weeks, my life has changed dramatically.  It started with just being newly relocated but not a hot second after I arrived I got my ass knocked down about 50 rungs in a most unexpected way.

Here's how it went down. My youngest daughter has poly cystic kidney disease which makes her uninsurable. That said, I found myself on this particular day standing in line at 7:30 am at the department of human services. For any of you who know anything about this place, ya feel my pain... Oy. But here I am all bright eyed and bushy-tailed over the new possibilities!!!Then I check my phone & I see I have an explosion of activity on the ole text list, Facebook, Twitter & email. Like, a whooooole lot. To summarize this, The Ex that I have referenced on here in past posts, you know: the one who I was with for nearly 5 years? The one who I haven't been separated from for even a year and a half? That one? Well he announces that He.Is.ENGAGED. To be MARRIED. To the NEXT chick. On his FACEBOOK page. The one where we still have like 50 something mutual friends. Where he is STILL FRIENDS WITH MY FATHER!!!!!!  All I could think was: here I am in line waiting on government aid & this MFer is slappin rocks on someone's finger. The utter injustice of it! I mean, dayum! Did none of it mean SHIT?? Am I THAT easy to move on from?? WTF was the last 5 years about?? Was I a placeholder?? *MORTIFIED*

My renewed sense of positivity went straight to the shitter I referenced earlier... The ENTIRE circle of our mutual friends & most of my family got to witness my absolute humiliation. ...and then came the barrage...
"How are you?" "Did you hear?" "Are you OK?"  "Girrrrrl! I can't believe he would do that!"

And all I could think in the middle of it all was: I am not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not great. Pretty. But not pretty enough. Important, but not important enough. I'm good for a while, just not forever. NOT enough. Not ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH! And so I started walking. I walked for hours and hours on end. I walked like Forrest Gump ran. I cried. I listened to sad music. I felt real sorry for myself. I basically wallowed. And ate a lot of bad food.

And then I started to look around. Really see where I was walking. I saw the gorgeous scenery. The new faces. The parks. The American River. The mountains. And I just thought: Oh HAAAAAIIIILLLL no I'm not going to give up my power. Didn't work out? Oh well. It sucks but why am I crying over some shit that is clearly not reciprocating my pain? I'm letting this shit take up space in my brain, rent free. I don't even WANT to get married!?

And with my attitude adjusted, my head held high & my ego still a touch bruised I did what I have always done. I charged ahead. I've walked all over this city. I've gotten stronger. I got a new job! I re-connected with an old friend who has helped put a bit of the pep back in my step. I have so much to look forward to. 

"Open road & limitless possibilities." 

Yep, I'm good. I'm going to be just fine...& I'm holding out for nothing short of my fairytale....butterflies & all. 

Forward march girlie...and welcome home.