I must start with an apology to my lovely readers (all 6 of you!) for completely ignoring my little ranting page for over a month. I had a lovely birthday surrounded by loved ones and my delightful little circle of friends who are just so spectacularly good to me. With regards to my friends & family, I am a lucky, lucky girl.
It is with having just stated that, that I feel like the biggest shithead on earth for the next part of this entry. I keep trying to keep my head up & my faith in front of me to get me through this period of my life. I have people in my world who would listen to me cry/moan/complain/rant endlessly but that's not how I'm built. For as much as I like to chat, there are things I just don't have the courage to speak out loud about. Things that are so out of the scope of my character that I hesitate to even write them here. To be honest, I'm even sort of sick of myself at this point, but I just don't feel good about much anymore. I mean about ME. Not my babies, or my family & friends.
Who took all of the color out of my life? When did my world go flat and gray? Does that even make sense to anybody else or am I really the only one who feels like this? Simple pleasures are lost. Food just doesn't taste as good. Even when I'm shoving it all in to fill the void, there is no real taste. I can't remember the last time I read a book. Music only moves me when it makes my tear ducts react & I should mention that they should be paid time and a half or even double time these days. The only thing I feel to any real degree is sadness. Raw, ragged, all encompassing sadness.
I find myself wishing my life away. Dreaming of a different time, another place, another Me. Daydreaming for hours on end. Turning the phone off. Communicating through abstract quotes and song lyrics. How do I get ME back? I haven't been able to muster up the damn energy to WRITE this blog. You know, because sitting in my PJs, drinking a glass of wine in front of my computer BY MYSELF jotting down the nonsense that my brain puts forth is such a tremendous task. What is that all about? What is wrong with me?
I'm not a sad person. This isn't normal for me, and yet, I have moved very comfortably into it's zip code and my plot of land is growing at an alarming rate. I find myself holding onto my little girl's hugs for extended time...and not just because I love for them to hug me, but because I need an extra moment to compose myself. In case you didn't know, it scares the kiddies when Mommy doesn't stop crying. Text me, call me, sit near me and chat with me and I'll give you the impression that I am just dandy. The irony in it is that I am now a wonderful actress. (Said with as much distaste as Italics can imply) I am the very thing that I hate. A liar. Pretending to be what I am not for everyone else's approval & comfort.
My rational brain wants me to kick my own ass & tell me to suck it up and move forward, but something very dark has taken hold and that other part is taking over more and more every day. (I'm a Libra, for anybody into that sort of thing.) I've become an emotional cutter. Withdrawn. Isolated. Irrational. Angry. (Oh wait. That part is actually normal)...and I am quite comfortable here. Numbness would be great if it were permanent, but alas, not the case. I feel this weariness. I'm wearing it like my favorite pair of shoes.
So NOW what? I've put it out there. Others can read it and weigh in and have an opinion. Will it motivate me to get the fuck over it? (That's really what you're thinking, right?) Yeah, I'd like to say that it will. I'm not so sure. It all feels a little out of my control. Like I'm in here somewhere but my body is on cruise control. I don't know what it's going to take. I do know that I miss enjoying things. I miss lauging because something really is funny, not because it's the part where I'm expected to. I miss warmth. This constant cold isn't comfortable. It'd be nice to wake up without SOME part of me hurting or aching. I want to feel better, I do. I just don't really remember how or even what that is anymore.
