Wednesday, December 2, 2009

"It really only works out once." -JKF

I have just found out that I wasted the last 8+ years of my life. I want to be angry about it but I'm actually just sitting here laughing at how phenomenally fucking stupid I've been. Actually, not for the relationship part, but for the mourning period I've put myself through since. There is nothing like clarity to help you jump start your incentive to LET GO.

There is a saying that goes, "When somebody shows you their true colors, believe them." I have often quoted this one myself. Yet here I am justifying and then forgiving insult after insult, lie after lie, and transgression after transgression. What in the hell is wrong with me? This fool has been showing me every true color since the moment his weak ass hit the state line! His strength was derived from ME! And I let him take it with him for the last year!!

When you LOVE somebody, really love them. Like from the core of your soul and the very foundation by which your world used to stand is shattered and is forever changed as a result; you simply  DO NOT MOVE PAST IT THAT QUICKLY.  You can't. I don't care what you've convinced yourself. I don't care how much you ignore it and try to act like it doesn't exist. Things like that don't just GO AWAY. They get BURIED away.  You can bang as much new ass as you like and it won't change the truth.

Funny enough, just after this last one left, the one before him showed back up. It was actually a very similar situation. I'm the greatest thing on God's green earth blah blah blah. And the same way I knew it would play out, it DID. Here he was back again with the "I screwed up. I miss you. You were always the one. I'm miserable now. I coulda, I shoulda.Can we please..." All I heard was I'm WEAK. WEAK. WEAK. The SAME thing will happen with this one. Up until an hour ago, I have been a magnet for unavailable men. Ones who just couldn't man up when it came right down down to it. Still, I have had some of the most amazing, wonderful positive relationships EVER. Not any cheaters or liars. Things were great until the very last second that is, when they've turned tail on me. That shit just ended right now.

If you aren't coming hard, coming 100%, then stay away from me. I don't love easy, I am not weak and I don't tuck tail and run when the shit gets tough. No more will I permit this sort of person to gain access to me. When I love, I'm all in. I don't hang around for months, then years if I'm unsure. I love from the very fiber of my core. I don't give of my heart and soul easily so it is a personal affront to me that someone would come into my world, take and take and take and then shit on it because they aren't strong enough to hang in there when things don't fit it to their perfect little idea of what their life and real love is. And unlike those same people, I don't "just get over it" when said relationship ends. It takes me time to heal. It takes me time to mourn. It takes me time to move forward. Because I.Love.For.Real.

I don't want to get into something with somebody new and shit all over their world because I haven't finished dealing with the things that hurt me and I'm not yet over. I don't do that "get over one person with the next one" nonsense. It is not how it should be done because it isn't true. So yes, I may  have cried, and been sad and felt like absolute crap for the last year but I have been nothing but honest and real with mine. I'm not totally over it. I'm not ready to move forward. But when I do, and I will, it will be FINITE.

I'm not going to have to worry about old ghosts popping back up. Because I will have officially exorcised the demon. And when I DO move past it, and those lies come front and center...when the realization of the duplicity and foolish ways become clear,  DO NOT come calling me. I won't be here waiting. Right this second I may still a work in progress regarding this but I won't be for too much longer. I am taking my strength back. You don't deserve it and you didn't deserve me.

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