Saturday, April 17, 2010

"The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing. It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing. But I I love it when you read to me. And you You can read me anything." -Peter Gabriel

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have noticed a tweet today where I said that I don't want to be one of those people who wishes their life away. I wrote that just today. Well it occurred to me later that I've been doing exactly that for at least the last three years of my life and I realized what a waste that is. I'm certainly not getting any younger, now am I? Who really has time to waste anyway?

I started obsessively thinking about that statement while I was sitting trying to read a book and it completely distracted me from the story. That is something that even my three children, my crazy mother, two dogs and a cat have been unable to do to me while I am engrossed in a novel. But so deeply did I ponder this, that I started comparing my own life to a book. A story unfolding so to speak. I mean, that's what life ultimately is, is it not? 

So, I wondered. Where am I at in my own story? What chapter? What page? What sort of story am I living in? Am I a comedy? Am I a romance? (Sadly, if you've read this little blog before, you already have the answer to that one. pshhh...) Am I in the middle? Closer to the ending? Is my story a cautionary tale? Am I a tragedy? What sort of story am I? And as my amazing songwriter friend asks in one of my favorite songs of his: If I could, would I peek ahead to finish? See how my story will end?

And the answer is this. No. No I wouldn't. I would not read ahead...because it is the journey that determines if our ending is important. If our lives were lived richly and to the fullest potential, with little regret and lots of love. Not time that was squandered or lives that were not shared. It is appreciating every present moment for what it is. Special. Irreplaceable. One grain of sand in the hourglass taken from our side of the reserve.

Why then, I ask myself, am I just sitting here wishing the pages would turn more quickly??  This part may not be great but it is the place I am meant to be so that the rest can happen the way it is going to happen. If my life is like all stories, then I have a limited number of pages until the end and sitting here dreaming about the next chapter isn't going to get me to it any faster. I may not be the main author, but I am certainly a co-writer in this book!

Well, I decided that an outline is in order. An idea of how I'd like to see it unfold. Because, we all have a say in  how it goes down, don't we?

In the next few chapters there will be a lot of time spent researching a way to get the means that I need to start my own business. It may take some time and there may be days when I feel like the chapter will never end or that I may never get to the next one...but I will. That will lead to me working for myself, where every drop of blood, every ounce of sweat and every single tear put into it will be for the better of me and mine. So every one of them will be worth it. And I will appreciate every second of it.

When that is in order, there will be the part where I put philanthropy at the very top of my priorities list. Where doing for others will satisfy my life more richly than money or success ever will. My daughters will not only bear witness to that but they will be a part of it and use that example in their own lives and will give of their time in similar fashion. They will go on to be the beautiful, loving, kind, loyal women I know they are meant to be. The kind of women I hope to help shape them into. As their proud mama, I will remember to tell them I love them, even when they makes the many mistakes that their stories are sure to have.

Mostly though, in this story there will be love. Lots and lots of bountiful love. Endless love for my wonderful daughters. The love of my amazing circle of friends that I know will continue to grow into an even bigger ring. The love of my family, for even as they are capable of driving me to maddening tears, they are mine. They are my biggest fans and my loudest cheerleaders and they will continue to play leading roles in the story of my life. Lastly, there will be personal love. The love of a man that I know is out there. Who sees me. The real me. Not just a single mother. Not just girl with a scar on her face with a less than pristine past who has a potty mouth and may have lost her way for a few chapters. But as the woman I always knew I was capable of being, even if I'm not quite there when we do meet. He will be loyal and honest and strong and beautiful and true and he will man the ship when I am too tired to do it, all the while knowing that I am just as capable. My partner.

So is my story a mystery? Is it an epic romance? A light beach read? Ultimately, I'd like to think it's a mix of them all. Not one that any author worth their salt would ever conjure up out of their imagination. Not one that would be in any top 10 list. But my story none-the-less. One that is a work in progress, where there are still blanks to be filled and characters I have yet to meet, and many, many chapters left to go through.

And there will probably be a surprising twist...or ten. There will likely be more tragedy and plenty more tears. There may even be more loves lost and bad jobs to be fired from. (o_O)  I don't know yet...the rest of my book is still being written. What I know for sure though, is that I have the pen. I didn't get to choose the beginning & I may not get to choose how it all ends. But I DO get to decide how the pages get filled and with whom...and suddenly, that is the most exciting thing I've thought about in a long time.

I probably won't get a fairytale ending. But I plan on getting MY version of  happily-ever-after. That's just some of my story. I won't give too much away. You all will just have to keep reading to see....

Monday, April 5, 2010

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I'm going to go ahead and cop to the fact that I'm not having a great day before I even get started. So if the tone of this post isn't sunshine & rainbows... wait...when has my blog EVER been that??
I guess I just figured that I'd forewarn you that me blogging while in this headspace is the writing equivalent of drinking & texting. Ya know it's probably not a good idea...buuuut you're going to do it anyway!

Last night I had a pretty nasty argument with my mother which she started  (For those of you who don't know, she moved out here with me & is living with me for a bit. I know, begin prayers NOW.) Trying to reason with her has the same outcome as trying to reason with a petulant two-year-old who is stomping her foot in the middle of a grocery store. Your best bet is to placate her & then smack her upside the head in the privacy of your own home. I kid, I kid... I don't condone beating children...unless I birthed them...and they deserve it...  ; )  Anyway, she yelled, I attempted to speak calmly, yet firmly...yeah. Didn't play out the way I'd had it worked out in my head. So, I didn't sleep at all last night. 

Well today was supposed to be the day I got my official starting date from the job I had landed. So I was going to keep my chin up! Right? WRONG. I got an email this afternoon telling me that although they want me to work for them & that a position WILL be there for me at some point in the future, I am on hold for now. Which.Really.Sucks. Sorry if I'm lacking in the eloquence department here folks, but I really wanted this job. A place where the people seemed to love what they do, and really like & respect their boss? And do a professional job and dress casually?! And I don't have to perform a song and dance for my pay?! (I worked for tips up until recently...) Damn. Damn.... DAYUM!!!!

My most recent job hunting experience (besides the aforementioned) has consisted going to a bunch of cattle calls for sales gigs. Look, I know already. Sales is for the strong. Blah,blah, blah. I can't in good conscience try to get folks to pony up money for something, when the truth is that I have been in their shoes (still am!!) and just plain can't afford something. No means NO  dammit! I get that. So no matter how you tap dance around it, there is certain element of force that goes on in sales that I just don't believe in & it is not in my nature to browbeat. (Shocking, I know.)

Oh, and lets not forget the humiliation that was "saving the sea turtles" gig which consisted of being dropped off on a street corner in a city I'd never been in before without my wallet or cell phone, in the pouring rain, begging people to sign a monthly credit card agreement to donate money for saving endangered sea life.  I mean, it was a gig I believe in but lemme tell ya something... when it's Tsunami type weather conditions outside, even the most bleeding heart animal lover will tell you to go fuck yourself if you try to stop them for ANYthing. They just want to get to their destination as dry as possible. I know this, because it actually happened just that way... Verbatim. Repeatedly. I don't believe myself too good for ANY job, but the eight bucks an hour being "earned" there was simply not enough to keep me engaged. Plus, I got a wicked cold & ear infection from that day. My $54 paycheck went to a minute clinic. Good times kids. GOOD times....

So now here I am again.  Job hunting. Some more. Worrying about how the hell I'm going to pay my now passed due rent, all the bills about to come in, and the next months rent that is rapidly approaching. No pressure or anything...

The LAST  thing I want to do is start questioning whether or not I've made the right move coming clear across the country for a new beginning. I feel in bones that I've done the right thing.  But right now, at this moment, all I can think about is WHEN am I going to catch a break?!! Jeez!!! I got the mother unit in the room pouting, I've been locked in this house for six weeks, I'm going out of my mind with boredom, I'm broke, I'm terrified, I'm unemployable (or at least it feels that way) and all the while I have three sets of little eyes watching my every move. I can't break in front of them. I won't break in front of them. I WON'T break. I refuse.

Dear God, don't let me break....