Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Change must come

If you've read this blog before, you know that times have been rough around here lately.  I have been feeling pretty low.  When I get down on myself, I tend to look at my contribution to the events that have occurred and ask myself what, if anything, I could have done to prevent them from happening.  Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed the outcome for the better?  Hell...I could drown in the "coulda shoulda wouldas" these days.  I'm 'bout sick of all of this damn moping.   I am not a damned wuss and I will not go out like this.  Well then kids, it is officially time for a change.  I truly believe that if you change your surroundings that things will change for the better.  A life Feng Shui  if you will.

I took a little trip last January during one of the darkest periods of my life.  I went to Sacramento to visit a dear friend and had a much needed get-away. In addition to getting to hang out with one of my most favorite people, I looked around and realized; I was in California! I was most unprepared for my reaction. I remember stepping out of that airport and feeling something that I had not felt for a long time here in Nashville.  I felt pulled...like that was the exact place I was meant to be at that moment.  In fairness, I am a New Yorker and I guess I kind of knew that I was not destined to live in the South forever. So I shouldn't have been totally shocked to have felt like my time here was ending.  Things happened here that made me believe I could stay.  Some of those very things changed completely and are the reasons this city just ain't home no more....

On that day though, I felt more at home than I had since I was a kid coming back to Brooklyn from summer vacations with my Dad.  The trip was fun, but now I was home... Except, my visit was the opposite of that.  When I got to my vacation destination, something clicked.  I don't really know why.  I just know that I have missed that feeling since.  I got back to Nashville and realized that this was no longer my home.  It stopped being as much somewhere along the way and I don't know exactly when that happened but I've felt lost here for a long time.  I just don't belong here anymore.  I guess I've known that deep down for a long time.

Something about California spoke to me. Drew me in. You might think me crazy trying to move clear across the country to a state that is in a financial disaster for nothing more than some gut feeling.  I concur. Having admitted that though, I've chosen to ignore my gut instinct a few times in my life and it's ended pretty disastrously so I'm just going to go for this.  Anyway, what have I got to lose really?  The only thing keeping me here is my family.  Guess what? They'll always be my family.  I'll miss them terribly, but they're making their own lives too.  I'm jobless.  Again.  What rooted me here has lost its damn mind and doesn't actually even exist anymore.  My friendships here are of the sort that I don't worry will fade.  I have made quite the circle here.  Some of these people have held my hand through the darkest hours.  Have laughed with me. Cried with me. Have eaten with me and my family... have become my extended family. The ones that matter will continue to be near and dear to my heart even if there is distance between us. Those ties, I don't worry about.

I will be sad leaving here though.  I'll cry like a damn fool when I go.  There are memories and places and people...  There are things that I am going to hate to leave behind and there are some others that I cannot wait to never see or think about again.  But I am SO ready for new places and faces and things.  I haven't had a sense of adventure about my life in so long.  I want to feel a spark about getting out of bed in the morning and looking forward to exploring new things.  I want my girls to enjoy the ocean and the mountains.  I want new friends and relationships.  I want to hike and swim and snowboard!  I'm ready.  It's time.  I can feel it.  If I stay here I'll die a slow one. So I bid you goodbye Nashville.  My days here are quite literally numbered and that's just fine by me!

In closing, I'll borrow a few words from someone who has already said them perfectly before me:

"It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change gon' come..."

1 comment:

  1. This is the first time I have commented on your blog - though I read it avidly. The things you say resonate within me, despite the fact that we live very different lives. And though I hate to think of you moving so very far away from me, I think it is the right thing for you.

    You have outlived your stay here. You are suffocating. You need to do what is right for you and if your heart and soul tells you it is in to go to Sacramento then god dammit you need to go there.

    We get these feelings for a reason. If you don't follow through what you know is right, something inside you sort of... well... dies. Live your life mami. Our friendship will never fade or be deterred by distance. Do your thang girl. You get nothing but love and support from me.