Those of you who know me in real life know that I am a fairly strict parent. And those of you who know my mother know why... I don't have cable TV. My children do not have cell phones. They do not have access to the internet without supervision. Even my child who has an iPod Touch has very limited access on that. I don't do this because this is a household where we use words like "H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks" in the presence of the little ones. I like to say fuck and do so without much censoring. Those of you who do not know me, may have started using your judgment about how I raise my children starting in the last 45 seconds.
Let me be clear. I want my kids to be kids. As innocent as they can be for as long as possible. That's why I control what they watch and listen to. My twins are 14 and my baby girl is 12. I've managed to raise well-balanced, well-adjusted girls on my own, and not because of any real secret well of knowledge. I'm just honest with them. REAL honest. I don't baby them or sugarcoat things for them. They know that the time will come for them to see those things and say those words and it's up to them to do so responsibly when the time and maturity calls for it. Just like sex. Which I know they're going to have and I talk to them about that as well...and contraception and disease and abstinence and abortion.
Now, onto the point of this post. I try not to judge the way other people raise their kids because I don't like it done to me. But I have to get this one off of my chest. Last week I went to watch Sex & The City 2 as so many of you surely have. I did not get to enjoy the movie as much as I'd liked to have due to the woman with her three very young kids sitting on front of me also watching Samantha get fucked on the hood of a car. These kids ranged in the ages of say 6 through maybe 11.I was appalled and disgusted. Said mother made ONE attempt to shield ONE child's eyes for ONE of the sex scenes. By the time the rest rolled around, she was too engrossed in the movie to be bothered.
Fast forward to today when I see a YouTube video making it's round of a sweet little girl who has been made up to do a cover of Lady Gaga's 'Telephone' video. Look, I'm just going to say this bluntly. I'm sick of people prostituting their kids for money & their own 15 minutes of fame. That child looked just as confused as I felt watching the minute I was able to sit through. Enough is enough already! And before you go getting all defensive, you tell me...? Do you think a kid that young has the capacity to ask to do something like that? I can assure you she does not.
We live in a world of instant information & so-called reality TV and this shit is killing the age of innocence. The window for kids staying kids is practically non-existent and it is NOT the media's fault. The media would not stand as it is if people weren't eating this shit up with double fists. WHY would you allow your babies to watch this stuff?? This is NOT a call for censorship for artists either. I personally, LOVE the Gaga video. My children, however, DO NOT get to see it until they are older. And if they came across it from one of their little dipshit friends bringing their own phones/iPods or whatever to school, we then discuss what they saw and why it is inappropriate imagery for kids. Lady Gaga has every right to make whatever kind of videos she wants. She is a GROWN UP. That being the key word here to those of you still not catching my drift.
If you think for one second that the group of little girls gyrating to 'Single Ladies' at that dance competition (you all saw that video, I'm sure) didn't have an adult lead the way to that mess, you're delusional. Now we've got untalented adults choreographing their babies to do this stuff because they missed their own chances at the brass ring that is Fame. What is this sick obsession with fame anyway? Don't you see how this plays out when a child is forced to find acceptance and approval from the people sitting on the other side of the screen??? These kids end up filling our magazines and talk shows with all of their desperate cries for attention when the star fades. Tally it up. Old and young. Britney. Lindsay. The entire cast of Diff'rent Strokes. That Frankenstein of a human once known as Heidi Montag. Corey Haim. Brittany Murphy.That is but a mere few. A drop in the bucket of the victims of this insanity.
The worse part is that I'm not even sure it'll get worse before it gets better. I think we're in a permanent down slide folks. I can't tell you how many little girls I've spoken to whose loftiest goal is to become the next Miley. What the hell happened to little girls wanting to be the next President or doctors or surgeons? I think girls are at the worse risk too. When you get your self esteem from showing your ass, we have a serious problem. Young women today have become so detached that oral sex isn't even considered sex anymore! It's in the same family as kissing. Seriously. This whole thing has me fired up.
I've gotten into countless battles with my own reality-TV-obsessed mother about not letting my twins model. I'm sorry but they need to develop self-love and respect FIRST so that IF and when THEY decide that is something they ever want to do, they'll understand the difference between love and the "adoration of fans." I want my daughters to understand that their heart and their soul is what makes them beautiful, not how skinny, popular or rich they are. And should they decide to pursue acting or modeling, I will gladly support that decision. AFTER they've had the chance to be little girls. Why is this such a hard thing for so many people to understand anymore?? And what is it going to take to make people realize that if we don't change the way things are going, the future of the young women in this country is dismal.
We have got to do a better job at protecting our children from this stuff and stop pimping them to fulfill some unrealized dreams of our own. Start teaching our kids that fame isn't some magical solution to having a perfect life. It doesn't answer ALL the questions. Who the hell wants to have all of their mistakes documented and judged and ridiculed anyway? Because that is what ultimately happens.
Maybe the process of this whole thing isn't so black and white but those are my kids. I'm doing whatever it takes to take care of THEM. It'd be nice to see more parents doing the same. It's that simple. Rant over.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
"The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing. It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing. But I I love it when you read to me. And you You can read me anything." -Peter Gabriel
Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have noticed a tweet today where I said that I don't want to be one of those people who wishes their life away. I wrote that just today. Well it occurred to me later that I've been doing exactly that for at least the last three years of my life and I realized what a waste that is. I'm certainly not getting any younger, now am I? Who really has time to waste anyway?
I started obsessively thinking about that statement while I was sitting trying to read a book and it completely distracted me from the story. That is something that even my three children, my crazy mother, two dogs and a cat have been unable to do to me while I am engrossed in a novel. But so deeply did I ponder this, that I started comparing my own life to a book. A story unfolding so to speak. I mean, that's what life ultimately is, is it not?
So, I wondered. Where am I at in my own story? What chapter? What page? What sort of story am I living in? Am I a comedy? Am I a romance? (Sadly, if you've read this little blog before, you already have the answer to that one. pshhh...) Am I in the middle? Closer to the ending? Is my story a cautionary tale? Am I a tragedy? What sort of story am I? And as my amazing songwriter friend asks in one of my favorite songs of his: If I could, would I peek ahead to finish? See how my story will end?
And the answer is this. No. No I wouldn't. I would not read ahead...because it is the journey that determines if our ending is important. If our lives were lived richly and to the fullest potential, with little regret and lots of love. Not time that was squandered or lives that were not shared. It is appreciating every present moment for what it is. Special. Irreplaceable. One grain of sand in the hourglass taken from our side of the reserve.
Why then, I ask myself, am I just sitting here wishing the pages would turn more quickly?? This part may not be great but it is the place I am meant to be so that the rest can happen the way it is going to happen. If my life is like all stories, then I have a limited number of pages until the end and sitting here dreaming about the next chapter isn't going to get me to it any faster. I may not be the main author, but I am certainly a co-writer in this book!
Well, I decided that an outline is in order. An idea of how I'd like to see it unfold. Because, we all have a say in how it goes down, don't we?
In the next few chapters there will be a lot of time spent researching a way to get the means that I need to start my own business. It may take some time and there may be days when I feel like the chapter will never end or that I may never get to the next one...but I will. That will lead to me working for myself, where every drop of blood, every ounce of sweat and every single tear put into it will be for the better of me and mine. So every one of them will be worth it. And I will appreciate every second of it.
When that is in order, there will be the part where I put philanthropy at the very top of my priorities list. Where doing for others will satisfy my life more richly than money or success ever will. My daughters will not only bear witness to that but they will be a part of it and use that example in their own lives and will give of their time in similar fashion. They will go on to be the beautiful, loving, kind, loyal women I know they are meant to be. The kind of women I hope to help shape them into. As their proud mama, I will remember to tell them I love them, even when they makes the many mistakes that their stories are sure to have.
Mostly though, in this story there will be love. Lots and lots of bountiful love. Endless love for my wonderful daughters. The love of my amazing circle of friends that I know will continue to grow into an even bigger ring. The love of my family, for even as they are capable of driving me to maddening tears, they are mine. They are my biggest fans and my loudest cheerleaders and they will continue to play leading roles in the story of my life. Lastly, there will be personal love. The love of a man that I know is out there. Who sees me. The real me. Not just a single mother. Not just girl with a scar on her face with a less than pristine past who has a potty mouth and may have lost her way for a few chapters. But as the woman I always knew I was capable of being, even if I'm not quite there when we do meet. He will be loyal and honest and strong and beautiful and true and he will man the ship when I am too tired to do it, all the while knowing that I am just as capable. My partner.
So is my story a mystery? Is it an epic romance? A light beach read? Ultimately, I'd like to think it's a mix of them all. Not one that any author worth their salt would ever conjure up out of their imagination. Not one that would be in any top 10 list. But my story none-the-less. One that is a work in progress, where there are still blanks to be filled and characters I have yet to meet, and many, many chapters left to go through.
And there will probably be a surprising twist...or ten. There will likely be more tragedy and plenty more tears. There may even be more loves lost and bad jobs to be fired from. (o_O) I don't know yet...the rest of my book is still being written. What I know for sure though, is that I have the pen. I didn't get to choose the beginning & I may not get to choose how it all ends. But I DO get to decide how the pages get filled and with whom...and suddenly, that is the most exciting thing I've thought about in a long time.
I probably won't get a fairytale ending. But I plan on getting MY version of happily-ever-after. That's just some of my story. I won't give too much away. You all will just have to keep reading to see....
I started obsessively thinking about that statement while I was sitting trying to read a book and it completely distracted me from the story. That is something that even my three children, my crazy mother, two dogs and a cat have been unable to do to me while I am engrossed in a novel. But so deeply did I ponder this, that I started comparing my own life to a book. A story unfolding so to speak. I mean, that's what life ultimately is, is it not?
So, I wondered. Where am I at in my own story? What chapter? What page? What sort of story am I living in? Am I a comedy? Am I a romance? (Sadly, if you've read this little blog before, you already have the answer to that one. pshhh...) Am I in the middle? Closer to the ending? Is my story a cautionary tale? Am I a tragedy? What sort of story am I? And as my amazing songwriter friend asks in one of my favorite songs of his: If I could, would I peek ahead to finish? See how my story will end?
And the answer is this. No. No I wouldn't. I would not read ahead...because it is the journey that determines if our ending is important. If our lives were lived richly and to the fullest potential, with little regret and lots of love. Not time that was squandered or lives that were not shared. It is appreciating every present moment for what it is. Special. Irreplaceable. One grain of sand in the hourglass taken from our side of the reserve.
Why then, I ask myself, am I just sitting here wishing the pages would turn more quickly?? This part may not be great but it is the place I am meant to be so that the rest can happen the way it is going to happen. If my life is like all stories, then I have a limited number of pages until the end and sitting here dreaming about the next chapter isn't going to get me to it any faster. I may not be the main author, but I am certainly a co-writer in this book!
Well, I decided that an outline is in order. An idea of how I'd like to see it unfold. Because, we all have a say in how it goes down, don't we?
In the next few chapters there will be a lot of time spent researching a way to get the means that I need to start my own business. It may take some time and there may be days when I feel like the chapter will never end or that I may never get to the next one...but I will. That will lead to me working for myself, where every drop of blood, every ounce of sweat and every single tear put into it will be for the better of me and mine. So every one of them will be worth it. And I will appreciate every second of it.
When that is in order, there will be the part where I put philanthropy at the very top of my priorities list. Where doing for others will satisfy my life more richly than money or success ever will. My daughters will not only bear witness to that but they will be a part of it and use that example in their own lives and will give of their time in similar fashion. They will go on to be the beautiful, loving, kind, loyal women I know they are meant to be. The kind of women I hope to help shape them into. As their proud mama, I will remember to tell them I love them, even when they makes the many mistakes that their stories are sure to have.
Mostly though, in this story there will be love. Lots and lots of bountiful love. Endless love for my wonderful daughters. The love of my amazing circle of friends that I know will continue to grow into an even bigger ring. The love of my family, for even as they are capable of driving me to maddening tears, they are mine. They are my biggest fans and my loudest cheerleaders and they will continue to play leading roles in the story of my life. Lastly, there will be personal love. The love of a man that I know is out there. Who sees me. The real me. Not just a single mother. Not just girl with a scar on her face with a less than pristine past who has a potty mouth and may have lost her way for a few chapters. But as the woman I always knew I was capable of being, even if I'm not quite there when we do meet. He will be loyal and honest and strong and beautiful and true and he will man the ship when I am too tired to do it, all the while knowing that I am just as capable. My partner.
So is my story a mystery? Is it an epic romance? A light beach read? Ultimately, I'd like to think it's a mix of them all. Not one that any author worth their salt would ever conjure up out of their imagination. Not one that would be in any top 10 list. But my story none-the-less. One that is a work in progress, where there are still blanks to be filled and characters I have yet to meet, and many, many chapters left to go through.
And there will probably be a surprising twist...or ten. There will likely be more tragedy and plenty more tears. There may even be more loves lost and bad jobs to be fired from. (o_O) I don't know yet...the rest of my book is still being written. What I know for sure though, is that I have the pen. I didn't get to choose the beginning & I may not get to choose how it all ends. But I DO get to decide how the pages get filled and with whom...and suddenly, that is the most exciting thing I've thought about in a long time.
I probably won't get a fairytale ending. But I plan on getting MY version of happily-ever-after. That's just some of my story. I won't give too much away. You all will just have to keep reading to see....
Monday, April 5, 2010
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying
I'm going to go ahead and cop to the fact that I'm not having a great day before I even get started. So if the tone of this post isn't sunshine & rainbows... wait...when has my blog EVER been that??
I guess I just figured that I'd forewarn you that me blogging while in this headspace is the writing equivalent of drinking & texting. Ya know it's probably not a good idea...buuuut you're going to do it anyway!
Last night I had a pretty nasty argument with my mother which she started in.front.my.children. (For those of you who don't know, she moved out here with me & is living with me for a bit. I know, begin prayers NOW.) Trying to reason with her has the same outcome as trying to reason with a petulant two-year-old who is stomping her foot in the middle of a grocery store. Your best bet is to placate her & then smack her upside the head in the privacy of your own home. I kid, I kid... I don't condone beating children...unless I birthed them...and they deserve it... ; ) Anyway, she yelled, I attempted to speak calmly, yet firmly...yeah. Didn't play out the way I'd had it worked out in my head. So, I didn't sleep at all last night.
Well today was supposed to be the day I got my official starting date from the job I had landed. So I was going to keep my chin up! Right? WRONG. I got an email this afternoon telling me that although they want me to work for them & that a position WILL be there for me at some point in the future, I am on hold for now. Which.Really.Sucks. Sorry if I'm lacking in the eloquence department here folks, but I really wanted this job. A place where the people seemed to love what they do, and really like & respect their boss? And do a professional job and dress casually?! And I don't have to perform a song and dance for my pay?! (I worked for tips up until recently...) Damn. Damn.... DAYUM!!!!
My most recent job hunting experience (besides the aforementioned) has consisted going to a bunch of cattle calls for sales gigs. Look, I know already. Sales is for the strong. Blah,blah, blah. I can't in good conscience try to get folks to pony up money for something, when the truth is that I have been in their shoes (still am!!) and just plain can't afford something. No means NO dammit! I get that. So no matter how you tap dance around it, there is certain element of force that goes on in sales that I just don't believe in & it is not in my nature to browbeat. (Shocking, I know.)
Oh, and lets not forget the humiliation that was "saving the sea turtles" gig which consisted of being dropped off on a street corner in a city I'd never been in before without my wallet or cell phone, in the pouring rain, begging people to sign a monthly credit card agreement to donate money for saving endangered sea life. I mean, it was a gig I believe in but lemme tell ya something... when it's Tsunami type weather conditions outside, even the most bleeding heart animal lover will tell you to go fuck yourself if you try to stop them for ANYthing. They just want to get to their destination as dry as possible. I know this, because it actually happened just that way... Verbatim. Repeatedly. I don't believe myself too good for ANY job, but the eight bucks an hour being "earned" there was simply not enough to keep me engaged. Plus, I got a wicked cold & ear infection from that day. My $54 paycheck went to a minute clinic. Good times kids. GOOD times....
So now here I am again. Job hunting. Some more. Worrying about how the hell I'm going to pay my now passed due rent, all the bills about to come in, and the next months rent that is rapidly approaching. No pressure or anything...
The LAST thing I want to do is start questioning whether or not I've made the right move coming clear across the country for a new beginning. I feel in bones that I've done the right thing. But right now, at this moment, all I can think about is WHEN am I going to catch a break?!! Jeez!!! I got the mother unit in the room pouting, I've been locked in this house for six weeks, I'm going out of my mind with boredom, I'm broke, I'm terrified, I'm unemployable (or at least it feels that way) and all the while I have three sets of little eyes watching my every move. I can't break in front of them. I won't break in front of them. I WON'T break. I refuse.
Dear God, don't let me break....
I guess I just figured that I'd forewarn you that me blogging while in this headspace is the writing equivalent of drinking & texting. Ya know it's probably not a good idea...buuuut you're going to do it anyway!
Last night I had a pretty nasty argument with my mother which she started in.front.my.children. (For those of you who don't know, she moved out here with me & is living with me for a bit. I know, begin prayers NOW.) Trying to reason with her has the same outcome as trying to reason with a petulant two-year-old who is stomping her foot in the middle of a grocery store. Your best bet is to placate her & then smack her upside the head in the privacy of your own home. I kid, I kid... I don't condone beating children...unless I birthed them...and they deserve it... ; ) Anyway, she yelled, I attempted to speak calmly, yet firmly...yeah. Didn't play out the way I'd had it worked out in my head. So, I didn't sleep at all last night.
Well today was supposed to be the day I got my official starting date from the job I had landed. So I was going to keep my chin up! Right? WRONG. I got an email this afternoon telling me that although they want me to work for them & that a position WILL be there for me at some point in the future, I am on hold for now. Which.Really.Sucks. Sorry if I'm lacking in the eloquence department here folks, but I really wanted this job. A place where the people seemed to love what they do, and really like & respect their boss? And do a professional job and dress casually?! And I don't have to perform a song and dance for my pay?! (I worked for tips up until recently...) Damn. Damn.... DAYUM!!!!
My most recent job hunting experience (besides the aforementioned) has consisted going to a bunch of cattle calls for sales gigs. Look, I know already. Sales is for the strong. Blah,blah, blah. I can't in good conscience try to get folks to pony up money for something, when the truth is that I have been in their shoes (still am!!) and just plain can't afford something. No means NO dammit! I get that. So no matter how you tap dance around it, there is certain element of force that goes on in sales that I just don't believe in & it is not in my nature to browbeat. (Shocking, I know.)
Oh, and lets not forget the humiliation that was "saving the sea turtles" gig which consisted of being dropped off on a street corner in a city I'd never been in before without my wallet or cell phone, in the pouring rain, begging people to sign a monthly credit card agreement to donate money for saving endangered sea life. I mean, it was a gig I believe in but lemme tell ya something... when it's Tsunami type weather conditions outside, even the most bleeding heart animal lover will tell you to go fuck yourself if you try to stop them for ANYthing. They just want to get to their destination as dry as possible. I know this, because it actually happened just that way... Verbatim. Repeatedly. I don't believe myself too good for ANY job, but the eight bucks an hour being "earned" there was simply not enough to keep me engaged. Plus, I got a wicked cold & ear infection from that day. My $54 paycheck went to a minute clinic. Good times kids. GOOD times....
So now here I am again. Job hunting. Some more. Worrying about how the hell I'm going to pay my now passed due rent, all the bills about to come in, and the next months rent that is rapidly approaching. No pressure or anything...
The LAST thing I want to do is start questioning whether or not I've made the right move coming clear across the country for a new beginning. I feel in bones that I've done the right thing. But right now, at this moment, all I can think about is WHEN am I going to catch a break?!! Jeez!!! I got the mother unit in the room pouting, I've been locked in this house for six weeks, I'm going out of my mind with boredom, I'm broke, I'm terrified, I'm unemployable (or at least it feels that way) and all the while I have three sets of little eyes watching my every move. I can't break in front of them. I won't break in front of them. I WON'T break. I refuse.
Dear God, don't let me break....
Sunday, March 28, 2010
"Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom." -Hitch
I'm about to come clean about something with you all. Here goes: I have NEVER been on a date.
Now hang on before you start yelling. I don't mean the kind where you go out to dinner & a movie with your man. I'm talking about the ones where you meet somebody, exchange phone numbers, they call you and you go out and have that awkward "getting to know each other," long gaps of dead silence kind of date. I have NEVER done it.
ANYway, the reason I bring all of this up is because one of my wonderful friends has decided that I need to get out there and subject myself to the discomfort that seemingly, you all have suffered... Wait, no. What I meant to say is that she thinks that I need to go out and have some fun. According to her, "It's time." <------ (Is that better Bubbles?)
I'll let you all in on something else... I'm sort of a serial monogamist. I'm 34 and have had three very serious long-term relationships (the first one produced my three daughters) and a couple of not super serious sorta longish ones. Between those situations, I have been DEAD single. No going out. No hook ups. No nada. (you catching my drift here?) Not even kissing. I think I'm taking the process too seriously. In all of my serious relationship-having, I may have missed out on the "fun" part of it. What it really is, is that I like my relationships to be with people that I've known for a good period of time & I can sincerely say that we are friends first.
Sounds like the recipe for a successful relationship situation, right? ...............................................................................................................
Oh, forgive me for the long pause. I was rolling around laughing/crying on the floor. Psh...
Hmmm.... I mean, unlike SOME people I know, I've only JUST started to move passed my last er.... "situation." I'm mean, we don't all run around getting over one relationship by getting engaged to another....But I digress....
Am I ready to possibly meet someone else? Maybe. I typically like a good loooong celibacy run to clear my mind after some jackass breaks my heart. Oooh. Wait that sounded bitter... Let's try that again.
I usually need an extended period of time to reflect on the things that went wrong in the relationship and look at what I may have contributed to it's demise.
Yeah, that was WAY better. HA!
What I need to know though, is, how does this whole routine work? Where do I meet men who will ask me for my number and then offer to take me out? I doubt I should be trolling the clubs. Do I show my independence and pay for my own way? What if this person is a total A-Hole? Should I drive separately, just in case? I guess what I'm missing is the process. Aw hell, I can't lie; even writing that makes me feel like an inexperienced, insecure 17-year-old. What strong, smart, woman doesn't know how to do this? *Raising Hand High* This one right here.
Said friend even suggested an ONLINE DATING SITE! *GASP* I could NEVER subject myself to that! The very idea of it seems so CREEPY! WHO does that? Isn't it just a bunch of creepy guys? (Seriously here, I'mma need some feedback if anyone's ever done it) Don't you have to pay for those things? I don't need to go on a shitty date THAT badly! ...Or do I....? hmmmm.... I mean, I AM new to this city. I only know four people here. How the hell else am I going to get back in the game?
I like the whole dating process to be a bit more organic. The problem is, it is PAINFULLY obvious that my method has NOT worked for me thus far. So I may have to give this whole thing some real consideration. Fix-ups and online dating seem so contrived. And we all know that you could potentially create an entire persona online, post a fake pic and next thing I know, I'll end up on a date with somebody who doesn't know how to use utensils, sweats profusely, (!!) and looks like his parents are related.
Before you go jumping on your soapbox, don't act like looks aren't important. I am fully disclosing that I like hot men. A persons personality isn't the first thing anybody notices, especially if you're only seeing their picture or have only just met. If I'm not remotely attracted to somebody, it isn't going to work out. So save the whole speech about being shallow. It definitely isn't the only, or even most important thing, but it IS important.
So, I have been given a deadline. I have ONE month to meet someone on my own and go out on a real date. If I don't make it happen by then, this chick is going to sign me up for an online dating forum. I'm just not trying to go that route. I'm a tiny bit terrified here. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen!
But if I don't get my ass back out there, I will surely spend this next chapter of my life collecting cats and making my own candles. I can't have that. I may be battered and bruised but I'm not broken. I'm still too hot & sexy to lock it up already. ; ) Yeah, I said it.
One month kids. ONE MONTH. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, feel free to offer any advice or share any good or any horror stories (which I'm FAR more interested in!) haha! Now I gotta go find me a hot man to go have an uncomfortable dinner with! Where shall I start.....?
Now hang on before you start yelling. I don't mean the kind where you go out to dinner & a movie with your man. I'm talking about the ones where you meet somebody, exchange phone numbers, they call you and you go out and have that awkward "getting to know each other," long gaps of dead silence kind of date. I have NEVER done it.
ANYway, the reason I bring all of this up is because one of my wonderful friends has decided that I need to get out there and subject myself to the discomfort that seemingly, you all have suffered... Wait, no. What I meant to say is that she thinks that I need to go out and have some fun. According to her, "It's time." <------ (Is that better Bubbles?)
I'll let you all in on something else... I'm sort of a serial monogamist. I'm 34 and have had three very serious long-term relationships (the first one produced my three daughters) and a couple of not super serious sorta longish ones. Between those situations, I have been DEAD single. No going out. No hook ups. No nada. (you catching my drift here?) Not even kissing. I think I'm taking the process too seriously. In all of my serious relationship-having, I may have missed out on the "fun" part of it. What it really is, is that I like my relationships to be with people that I've known for a good period of time & I can sincerely say that we are friends first.
Sounds like the recipe for a successful relationship situation, right? ...............................................................................................................
Oh, forgive me for the long pause. I was rolling around laughing/crying on the floor. Psh...
Hmmm.... I mean, unlike SOME people I know, I've only JUST started to move passed my last er.... "situation." I'm mean, we don't all run around getting over one relationship by getting engaged to another....But I digress....
Am I ready to possibly meet someone else? Maybe. I typically like a good loooong celibacy run to clear my mind after some jackass breaks my heart. Oooh. Wait that sounded bitter... Let's try that again.
I usually need an extended period of time to reflect on the things that went wrong in the relationship and look at what I may have contributed to it's demise.
Yeah, that was WAY better. HA!
What I need to know though, is, how does this whole routine work? Where do I meet men who will ask me for my number and then offer to take me out? I doubt I should be trolling the clubs. Do I show my independence and pay for my own way? What if this person is a total A-Hole? Should I drive separately, just in case? I guess what I'm missing is the process. Aw hell, I can't lie; even writing that makes me feel like an inexperienced, insecure 17-year-old. What strong, smart, woman doesn't know how to do this? *Raising Hand High* This one right here.
Said friend even suggested an ONLINE DATING SITE! *GASP* I could NEVER subject myself to that! The very idea of it seems so CREEPY! WHO does that? Isn't it just a bunch of creepy guys? (Seriously here, I'mma need some feedback if anyone's ever done it) Don't you have to pay for those things? I don't need to go on a shitty date THAT badly! ...Or do I....? hmmmm.... I mean, I AM new to this city. I only know four people here. How the hell else am I going to get back in the game?
I like the whole dating process to be a bit more organic. The problem is, it is PAINFULLY obvious that my method has NOT worked for me thus far. So I may have to give this whole thing some real consideration. Fix-ups and online dating seem so contrived. And we all know that you could potentially create an entire persona online, post a fake pic and next thing I know, I'll end up on a date with somebody who doesn't know how to use utensils, sweats profusely, (!!) and looks like his parents are related.
Before you go jumping on your soapbox, don't act like looks aren't important. I am fully disclosing that I like hot men. A persons personality isn't the first thing anybody notices, especially if you're only seeing their picture or have only just met. If I'm not remotely attracted to somebody, it isn't going to work out. So save the whole speech about being shallow. It definitely isn't the only, or even most important thing, but it IS important.
So, I have been given a deadline. I have ONE month to meet someone on my own and go out on a real date. If I don't make it happen by then, this chick is going to sign me up for an online dating forum. I'm just not trying to go that route. I'm a tiny bit terrified here. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen!
But if I don't get my ass back out there, I will surely spend this next chapter of my life collecting cats and making my own candles. I can't have that. I may be battered and bruised but I'm not broken. I'm still too hot & sexy to lock it up already. ; ) Yeah, I said it.
One month kids. ONE MONTH. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, feel free to offer any advice or share any good or any horror stories (which I'm FAR more interested in!) haha! Now I gotta go find me a hot man to go have an uncomfortable dinner with! Where shall I start.....?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Hello Sacramento, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance....SMACK!
Hello lovely people who listen to me rant & rave. I have been MIA and for that I apologize. I finally made the big cross country move happen. YAY for that!! The drive was overwhelming & I would be totally remiss if I did not throw some love at my dear friend Jenn who was so brave to help us make that drive. I am a difficult person to love under normal circumstances, but throw in leaving everyone I know & love, me driving a 16 foot truck with my entire household in it including my dogs & a cat, and my mother & children in the car up ahead...and well, I'm just miserable, volatile, & hateful. WHEW! Just writing that made me tired!
Much has changed along with my zip code my friends. California is as beautiful as they tell you. Driving across the country was fun, with the exception of Amarillo,Texas. No offense to any Texans, this is not a personal statement. Amarillo smells like a Port O Potty at a monster truck rally. The WHOLE city. YUCK!!! My first fit of violent rage began there... But I digress...
The weather here has been fantastic. Everyone is out jogging & walking their dogs. There is a ton of culture and diversity. It's just been a real delight so far. And since I've been here 2 nearly 3 little weeks, my life has changed dramatically. It started with just being newly relocated but not a hot second after I arrived I got my ass knocked down about 50 rungs in a most unexpected way.
Here's how it went down. My youngest daughter has poly cystic kidney disease which makes her uninsurable. That said, I found myself on this particular day standing in line at 7:30 am at the department of human services. For any of you who know anything about this place, ya feel my pain... Oy. But here I am all bright eyed and bushy-tailed over the new possibilities!!!Then I check my phone & I see I have an explosion of activity on the ole text list, Facebook, Twitter & email. Like, a whooooole lot. To summarize this, The Ex that I have referenced on here in past posts, you know: the one who I was with for nearly 5 years? The one who I haven't been separated from for even a year and a half? That one? Well he announces that He.Is.ENGAGED. To be MARRIED. To the NEXT chick. On his FACEBOOK page. The one where we still have like 50 something mutual friends. Where he is STILL FRIENDS WITH MY FATHER!!!!!! All I could think was: here I am in line waiting on government aid & this MFer is slappin rocks on someone's finger. The utter injustice of it! I mean, dayum! Did none of it mean SHIT?? Am I THAT easy to move on from?? WTF was the last 5 years about?? Was I a placeholder?? *MORTIFIED*
My renewed sense of positivity went straight to the shitter I referenced earlier... The ENTIRE circle of our mutual friends & most of my family got to witness my absolute humiliation. ...and then came the barrage...
"How are you?" "Did you hear?" "Are you OK?" "Girrrrrl! I can't believe he would do that!"
And all I could think in the middle of it all was: I am not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not great. Pretty. But not pretty enough. Important, but not important enough. I'm good for a while, just not forever. NOT enough. Not ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH! And so I started walking. I walked for hours and hours on end. I walked like Forrest Gump ran. I cried. I listened to sad music. I felt real sorry for myself. I basically wallowed. And ate a lot of bad food.
Much has changed along with my zip code my friends. California is as beautiful as they tell you. Driving across the country was fun, with the exception of Amarillo,Texas. No offense to any Texans, this is not a personal statement. Amarillo smells like a Port O Potty at a monster truck rally. The WHOLE city. YUCK!!! My first fit of violent rage began there... But I digress...
The weather here has been fantastic. Everyone is out jogging & walking their dogs. There is a ton of culture and diversity. It's just been a real delight so far. And since I've been here 2 nearly 3 little weeks, my life has changed dramatically. It started with just being newly relocated but not a hot second after I arrived I got my ass knocked down about 50 rungs in a most unexpected way.
Here's how it went down. My youngest daughter has poly cystic kidney disease which makes her uninsurable. That said, I found myself on this particular day standing in line at 7:30 am at the department of human services. For any of you who know anything about this place, ya feel my pain... Oy. But here I am all bright eyed and bushy-tailed over the new possibilities!!!Then I check my phone & I see I have an explosion of activity on the ole text list, Facebook, Twitter & email. Like, a whooooole lot. To summarize this, The Ex that I have referenced on here in past posts, you know: the one who I was with for nearly 5 years? The one who I haven't been separated from for even a year and a half? That one? Well he announces that He.Is.ENGAGED. To be MARRIED. To the NEXT chick. On his FACEBOOK page. The one where we still have like 50 something mutual friends. Where he is STILL FRIENDS WITH MY FATHER!!!!!! All I could think was: here I am in line waiting on government aid & this MFer is slappin rocks on someone's finger. The utter injustice of it! I mean, dayum! Did none of it mean SHIT?? Am I THAT easy to move on from?? WTF was the last 5 years about?? Was I a placeholder?? *MORTIFIED*
My renewed sense of positivity went straight to the shitter I referenced earlier... The ENTIRE circle of our mutual friends & most of my family got to witness my absolute humiliation. ...and then came the barrage...
"How are you?" "Did you hear?" "Are you OK?" "Girrrrrl! I can't believe he would do that!"
And all I could think in the middle of it all was: I am not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not great. Pretty. But not pretty enough. Important, but not important enough. I'm good for a while, just not forever. NOT enough. Not ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH! And so I started walking. I walked for hours and hours on end. I walked like Forrest Gump ran. I cried. I listened to sad music. I felt real sorry for myself. I basically wallowed. And ate a lot of bad food.
And then I started to look around. Really see where I was walking. I saw the gorgeous scenery. The new faces. The parks. The American River. The mountains. And I just thought: Oh HAAAAAIIIILLLL no I'm not going to give up my power. Didn't work out? Oh well. It sucks but why am I crying over some shit that is clearly not reciprocating my pain? I'm letting this shit take up space in my brain, rent free. I don't even WANT to get married!?
And with my attitude adjusted, my head held high & my ego still a touch bruised I did what I have always done. I charged ahead. I've walked all over this city. I've gotten stronger. I got a new job! I re-connected with an old friend who has helped put a bit of the pep back in my step. I have so much to look forward to.
"Open road & limitless possibilities."
Yep, I'm good. I'm going to be just fine...& I'm holding out for nothing short of my fairytale....butterflies & all.
Forward march girlie...and welcome home.
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