"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with." -Wayne Dyer

I have been single and alone for nearly four years. Let me be clearer: I have been completely celibate for that long. No kissing, no hugging, no dates, no sex, no masturbation.

People have very strong opinions about that. Even my closest friends question whether I'm OK. Are there issues with sex? Still hung up on some guy? And no matter what I say - there is always that tiny bit of distrust in accpeting my response. And that is when I see it. That thing that women will never admit but fear so very deeply. What if you end up ALONE?

Here is the thing of it. I may just do that. I may not live happily ever after. I may not ever have a man again.
And you know what? I am NOT going to die. Repeat after me: I will not die if I end up alone.  And neither will you.

I spoke to a friend on the phone tonight who prior to this conversation I believed to be strong, focused, driven, independent & relatively happy. Of course there were some things but that's just life. But tonight I received a few bizarre text messages from her and so I decided to call her to check on her. She was hysterical, her speech was slurred and she was firing off random craziness about a strange man she picked up, being "too beautiful" so men fall in love immediately and rambling on about how "fucked up life is" and on and on.

Listen. She was clearly in crisis. We talked. I tried to help as best I could. I listened to her fears and frustrations. I offered support and soothing words. But right in the middle of her rant she said it.

"I'm not like you Lori. I can't just be alone." An accusation. As though I am somehow lacking. 

I may not be out there going out on fancy dates every night, having men come over and scoop me up in sleek, fast cars. I might not get roses delivered to my office on Valentine's Day. There isn't anyone to do handyman type work on the house for me. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not dying or pathetic  or broken or putting myself in unsafe situations to have a warm body in the bed next to me. My life isn't somehow lacking because I haven't seen some dick in years and I am just about fed up with being looked at with pity or dread or judgement over it.

And if my words seem harsh or tinged with anger it is only because it isn't ME who you will find on the other end of the line drunk and ranting like a goddamned fool about some asshole using me to get off and leaving me alone in a bed somewhere. I am alone. I have a full life. I have friends. I have my children. I have 2 jobs. I volunteer in my community. I sing, I dance, I read and I write. I laugh. I don't NEED someone else to complete anything in me.

If that confuses you or scares you or just plain doesn't sit well - then maybe it is YOU who ought to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what is lacking. What is it in YOU that makes you feel incomplete because you "ain't got no man." I'm done being questioned over it. Yes, one day it would be nice to meet someone who is lovely and complements what I bring to the table. In the meantime, I'll just spread my books out all over it, put my wine glass (with no coaster!!) on it & maybe even prop my feet up on it.

I am not anti-man, anti-sex or anti-relationship. What I will not do though - is sell myself short and end up with some asshole who isn't deserving of me. I have high standards of a potential mate because I have high standards for myself.

This propaganda some women are still clinging to with needing some man; ANY man to feel complete is not acceptable and I for damn sure will not subscribe to it. Ladies, if you don't love you, if you don't hold yourself in the highest, most esteemed regard - no man ever will. And why should he? Go out there and find your most fulfilled life and then maybe an amazing partner will come your way. And if he doesn't, I promise you. You will not die, you will simply be alone.

I am alone. And that, is the best company I could be in.