Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hello Sacramento, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance....SMACK!

Hello lovely people who listen to me rant & rave. I have been MIA and for that I apologize. I finally made the big cross country move happen. YAY for that!! The drive was overwhelming & I would be totally remiss if I did not throw some love at my dear friend Jenn who was so brave to help us make that drive. I am a difficult person to love under normal circumstances, but throw in leaving everyone I know & love, me driving a 16 foot truck with my entire household in it including my dogs & a cat, and my mother & children in the car up ahead...and well, I'm just miserable, volatile, & hateful. WHEW! Just writing that made me tired!

Much has changed along with my zip code my friends. California is as beautiful as they tell you. Driving across the country was fun, with the exception of Amarillo,Texas. No offense to any Texans, this is not a personal statement. Amarillo smells like a Port O Potty at a monster truck rally. The WHOLE city. YUCK!!! My first fit of violent rage began there... But I digress...

The weather here  has been fantastic. Everyone is out jogging & walking their dogs.  There is a ton of culture and diversity. It's just been a real delight so far. And since I've been here 2 nearly 3 little weeks, my life has changed dramatically.  It started with just being newly relocated but not a hot second after I arrived I got my ass knocked down about 50 rungs in a most unexpected way.

Here's how it went down. My youngest daughter has poly cystic kidney disease which makes her uninsurable. That said, I found myself on this particular day standing in line at 7:30 am at the department of human services. For any of you who know anything about this place, ya feel my pain... Oy. But here I am all bright eyed and bushy-tailed over the new possibilities!!!Then I check my phone & I see I have an explosion of activity on the ole text list, Facebook, Twitter & email. Like, a whooooole lot. To summarize this, The Ex that I have referenced on here in past posts, you know: the one who I was with for nearly 5 years? The one who I haven't been separated from for even a year and a half? That one? Well he announces that He.Is.ENGAGED. To be MARRIED. To the NEXT chick. On his FACEBOOK page. The one where we still have like 50 something mutual friends. Where he is STILL FRIENDS WITH MY FATHER!!!!!!  All I could think was: here I am in line waiting on government aid & this MFer is slappin rocks on someone's finger. The utter injustice of it! I mean, dayum! Did none of it mean SHIT?? Am I THAT easy to move on from?? WTF was the last 5 years about?? Was I a placeholder?? *MORTIFIED*

My renewed sense of positivity went straight to the shitter I referenced earlier... The ENTIRE circle of our mutual friends & most of my family got to witness my absolute humiliation. ...and then came the barrage...
"How are you?" "Did you hear?" "Are you OK?"  "Girrrrrl! I can't believe he would do that!"

And all I could think in the middle of it all was: I am not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not great. Pretty. But not pretty enough. Important, but not important enough. I'm good for a while, just not forever. NOT enough. Not ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH! And so I started walking. I walked for hours and hours on end. I walked like Forrest Gump ran. I cried. I listened to sad music. I felt real sorry for myself. I basically wallowed. And ate a lot of bad food.

And then I started to look around. Really see where I was walking. I saw the gorgeous scenery. The new faces. The parks. The American River. The mountains. And I just thought: Oh HAAAAAIIIILLLL no I'm not going to give up my power. Didn't work out? Oh well. It sucks but why am I crying over some shit that is clearly not reciprocating my pain? I'm letting this shit take up space in my brain, rent free. I don't even WANT to get married!?

And with my attitude adjusted, my head held high & my ego still a touch bruised I did what I have always done. I charged ahead. I've walked all over this city. I've gotten stronger. I got a new job! I re-connected with an old friend who has helped put a bit of the pep back in my step. I have so much to look forward to. 

"Open road & limitless possibilities." 

Yep, I'm good. I'm going to be just fine...& I'm holding out for nothing short of my fairytale....butterflies & all. 

Forward march girlie...and welcome home.


  1. Ay sweetie. This post made me wanna hug you, find that dude and kick him in the knees. Can't wait for your next update!

  2. You know, sometimes the answer is you're too good and THEY are not good enough. I know it's still a bitter pill to swallow, but there's no other answer as obvious as this one.

    I know you will find your match. He's out there, and he's not just good enough, he is perfect for you!

  3. I can actually HEAR you telling me this, sitting in your kitchen, with a bottle of wine... hand gestures and all :-)

  4. Ladies, keep the feedback coming. I LOVE it! Abbie, I miss you. "I just want someone who is going to helm the ship for me!"

  5. YEA I missed your blog!!! And I LOVE THIS ONE!!! Probably most of all. March on girl March on!

  6. I like your blog! You seem really real about your life and I can see as bumps hit you in the road you are not letting that stop you.

    I like that. Keep your head up and live life in the NOW, not in the past or present!

    I'm learning to do that as we speak!

  7. My friend who blogs a lot came across your blog and text me saying your blog was a must read. I have to confess that I LMAO and Tearful at the same time...Everything that you have written above from relocating to California to the boyfriend getting engaged to the emotional turmoil I am going through that right now. Thank you for blogging and making me realize what I already knew...1. that I am not the only one experiencing this 2. that life does get better and the scenery in Cali definitely helps and 3. That like you I refuse to get married to anyone other than my soul mate, my best friend, husband, father of my children and companion for life...She can have him, I will take my prince in shinning armor!

  8. Thank you all so much for the comments. Lulu, I actually burst into tears when I read your comment. When I started this, it was just a way to get some of it off my chest because I felt like I was going to explode, but I wasn't sure I knew WHAT I could give to someone else from it. Your comment is EXACTLY the reason I've kept on writing. So from the bottom of my heart, I THANK YOU.

  9. Kudos to you my beautiful friend. When you march forward make sure you put a little extra swing in those hips!!!