Saturday, April 17, 2010

"The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing. It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing. But I I love it when you read to me. And you You can read me anything." -Peter Gabriel

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have noticed a tweet today where I said that I don't want to be one of those people who wishes their life away. I wrote that just today. Well it occurred to me later that I've been doing exactly that for at least the last three years of my life and I realized what a waste that is. I'm certainly not getting any younger, now am I? Who really has time to waste anyway?

I started obsessively thinking about that statement while I was sitting trying to read a book and it completely distracted me from the story. That is something that even my three children, my crazy mother, two dogs and a cat have been unable to do to me while I am engrossed in a novel. But so deeply did I ponder this, that I started comparing my own life to a book. A story unfolding so to speak. I mean, that's what life ultimately is, is it not? 

So, I wondered. Where am I at in my own story? What chapter? What page? What sort of story am I living in? Am I a comedy? Am I a romance? (Sadly, if you've read this little blog before, you already have the answer to that one. pshhh...) Am I in the middle? Closer to the ending? Is my story a cautionary tale? Am I a tragedy? What sort of story am I? And as my amazing songwriter friend asks in one of my favorite songs of his: If I could, would I peek ahead to finish? See how my story will end?

And the answer is this. No. No I wouldn't. I would not read ahead...because it is the journey that determines if our ending is important. If our lives were lived richly and to the fullest potential, with little regret and lots of love. Not time that was squandered or lives that were not shared. It is appreciating every present moment for what it is. Special. Irreplaceable. One grain of sand in the hourglass taken from our side of the reserve.

Why then, I ask myself, am I just sitting here wishing the pages would turn more quickly??  This part may not be great but it is the place I am meant to be so that the rest can happen the way it is going to happen. If my life is like all stories, then I have a limited number of pages until the end and sitting here dreaming about the next chapter isn't going to get me to it any faster. I may not be the main author, but I am certainly a co-writer in this book!

Well, I decided that an outline is in order. An idea of how I'd like to see it unfold. Because, we all have a say in  how it goes down, don't we?

In the next few chapters there will be a lot of time spent researching a way to get the means that I need to start my own business. It may take some time and there may be days when I feel like the chapter will never end or that I may never get to the next one...but I will. That will lead to me working for myself, where every drop of blood, every ounce of sweat and every single tear put into it will be for the better of me and mine. So every one of them will be worth it. And I will appreciate every second of it.

When that is in order, there will be the part where I put philanthropy at the very top of my priorities list. Where doing for others will satisfy my life more richly than money or success ever will. My daughters will not only bear witness to that but they will be a part of it and use that example in their own lives and will give of their time in similar fashion. They will go on to be the beautiful, loving, kind, loyal women I know they are meant to be. The kind of women I hope to help shape them into. As their proud mama, I will remember to tell them I love them, even when they makes the many mistakes that their stories are sure to have.

Mostly though, in this story there will be love. Lots and lots of bountiful love. Endless love for my wonderful daughters. The love of my amazing circle of friends that I know will continue to grow into an even bigger ring. The love of my family, for even as they are capable of driving me to maddening tears, they are mine. They are my biggest fans and my loudest cheerleaders and they will continue to play leading roles in the story of my life. Lastly, there will be personal love. The love of a man that I know is out there. Who sees me. The real me. Not just a single mother. Not just girl with a scar on her face with a less than pristine past who has a potty mouth and may have lost her way for a few chapters. But as the woman I always knew I was capable of being, even if I'm not quite there when we do meet. He will be loyal and honest and strong and beautiful and true and he will man the ship when I am too tired to do it, all the while knowing that I am just as capable. My partner.

So is my story a mystery? Is it an epic romance? A light beach read? Ultimately, I'd like to think it's a mix of them all. Not one that any author worth their salt would ever conjure up out of their imagination. Not one that would be in any top 10 list. But my story none-the-less. One that is a work in progress, where there are still blanks to be filled and characters I have yet to meet, and many, many chapters left to go through.

And there will probably be a surprising twist...or ten. There will likely be more tragedy and plenty more tears. There may even be more loves lost and bad jobs to be fired from. (o_O)  I don't know yet...the rest of my book is still being written. What I know for sure though, is that I have the pen. I didn't get to choose the beginning & I may not get to choose how it all ends. But I DO get to decide how the pages get filled and with whom...and suddenly, that is the most exciting thing I've thought about in a long time.

I probably won't get a fairytale ending. But I plan on getting MY version of  happily-ever-after. That's just some of my story. I won't give too much away. You all will just have to keep reading to see....


  1. Beautiful, Lori.

    Keep thinking this way, and all good things will come!

  2. sister this was all so well said that I don't even need to post a huge comment. Through adversity, loneliness, relationships, ambition, love and courage I know that I am not afraid of what the future chapters in my life hold, my present chapter would be "single mom in graduate school, wants to be a jewelry designer and in a relationship that is not growing"....ok, so maybe this comment was a little longer than I thought ;-)

  3. this blog has made me smile. not laugh like some of your others but just smile. it's so true. we all waste time on pondering over most things we can't control. but happiness, success, and love (bcz it comes in many forms) we do have some control over. i love you mami! you should try writing a novel- hell we all love your blogs. that $ could be used to open your business. i'm just sayin!!!!! :)

  4. Wow, excellent post! We are all a work in progress. Your insight and thoughtful retrospection means your progress is on the right path. Por favor, stay strong and continue to be the role models for your girls :).


  5. Hey Chica!

    Minus the kids I feel like we're living parallel lives. Starting over n a place so new to us because we needed change was a courageous decision but how do we maintain that courage that brought us to this point. I think you said it perfectly in the post above. We are unwritten and full of possibilities, thank you for the reminder!

  6. Loving this! Sometimes I wonder what my future grandchildren will think of me.

  7. As I was reading this post I thought to myself lucky I am to know this amazing woman! I am writing this comment with tears in my eyes...happy tears for you. I look forward to reading about your journies in love and life. Remember we write our own destiny! x0x0