If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I'm going to go ahead and cop to the fact that I'm not having a great day before I even get started. So if the tone of this post isn't sunshine & rainbows... wait...when has my blog EVER been that??
I guess I just figured that I'd forewarn you that me blogging while in this headspace is the writing equivalent of drinking & texting. Ya know it's probably not a good idea...buuuut you're going to do it anyway!

Last night I had a pretty nasty argument with my mother which she started in.front.my.children.  (For those of you who don't know, she moved out here with me & is living with me for a bit. I know, begin prayers NOW.) Trying to reason with her has the same outcome as trying to reason with a petulant two-year-old who is stomping her foot in the middle of a grocery store. Your best bet is to placate her & then smack her upside the head in the privacy of your own home. I kid, I kid... I don't condone beating children...unless I birthed them...and they deserve it...  ; )  Anyway, she yelled, I attempted to speak calmly, yet firmly...yeah. Didn't play out the way I'd had it worked out in my head. So, I didn't sleep at all last night. 

Well today was supposed to be the day I got my official starting date from the job I had landed. So I was going to keep my chin up! Right? WRONG. I got an email this afternoon telling me that although they want me to work for them & that a position WILL be there for me at some point in the future, I am on hold for now. Which.Really.Sucks. Sorry if I'm lacking in the eloquence department here folks, but I really wanted this job. A place where the people seemed to love what they do, and really like & respect their boss? And do a professional job and dress casually?! And I don't have to perform a song and dance for my pay?! (I worked for tips up until recently...) Damn. Damn.... DAYUM!!!!

My most recent job hunting experience (besides the aforementioned) has consisted going to a bunch of cattle calls for sales gigs. Look, I know already. Sales is for the strong. Blah,blah, blah. I can't in good conscience try to get folks to pony up money for something, when the truth is that I have been in their shoes (still am!!) and just plain can't afford something. No means NO  dammit! I get that. So no matter how you tap dance around it, there is certain element of force that goes on in sales that I just don't believe in & it is not in my nature to browbeat. (Shocking, I know.)

Oh, and lets not forget the humiliation that was "saving the sea turtles" gig which consisted of being dropped off on a street corner in a city I'd never been in before without my wallet or cell phone, in the pouring rain, begging people to sign a monthly credit card agreement to donate money for saving endangered sea life.  I mean, it was a gig I believe in but lemme tell ya something... when it's Tsunami type weather conditions outside, even the most bleeding heart animal lover will tell you to go fuck yourself if you try to stop them for ANYthing. They just want to get to their destination as dry as possible. I know this, because it actually happened just that way... Verbatim. Repeatedly. I don't believe myself too good for ANY job, but the eight bucks an hour being "earned" there was simply not enough to keep me engaged. Plus, I got a wicked cold & ear infection from that day. My $54 paycheck went to a minute clinic. Good times kids. GOOD times....

So now here I am again.  Job hunting. Some more. Worrying about how the hell I'm going to pay my now passed due rent, all the bills about to come in, and the next months rent that is rapidly approaching. No pressure or anything...

The LAST  thing I want to do is start questioning whether or not I've made the right move coming clear across the country for a new beginning. I feel in bones that I've done the right thing.  But right now, at this moment, all I can think about is WHEN am I going to catch a break?!! Jeez!!! I got the mother unit in the room pouting, I've been locked in this house for six weeks, I'm going out of my mind with boredom, I'm broke, I'm terrified, I'm unemployable (or at least it feels that way) and all the while I have three sets of little eyes watching my every move. I can't break in front of them. I won't break in front of them. I WON'T break. I refuse.

Dear God, don't let me break....