Sunday, March 28, 2010

"Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom." -Hitch

I'm about to come clean about something with you all.  Here goes: I have NEVER been on a date.

Now hang on before you start yelling. I don't mean the kind where you go out to dinner & a movie with your man. I'm talking about the ones where you meet somebody, exchange phone numbers, they call you and you go out and have that awkward "getting to know each other," long gaps of dead silence kind of date. I have NEVER done it.

ANYway, the reason I bring all of this up is because one of my wonderful friends has decided that I need to get out there and subject myself to the discomfort that seemingly, you all have suffered... Wait, no. What I meant to say is that she thinks that I need to go out and have some fun. According to her, "It's time."  <------  (Is that  better Bubbles?)

I'll let you all in on something else... I'm sort of a serial monogamist. I'm 34 and have had three very serious long-term relationships (the first one produced my three daughters) and a couple of not super serious sorta longish ones. Between those situations, I have been DEAD single. No going out. No hook ups. No nada. (you catching my drift here?) Not even kissing. I think I'm taking the process too seriously. In all of my serious relationship-having, I may have missed out on the "fun" part of it. What it really is, is that I like my relationships to be with people that I've known for a good period of time & I can sincerely say that we are friends first.

Sounds like the recipe for a successful relationship situation, right? ...............................................................................................................

Oh, forgive me for the long pause. I was rolling around laughing/crying on the floor. Psh...

Hmmm.... I mean, unlike SOME people I know, I've only JUST started to move passed my last er.... "situation." I'm mean, we don't all run around getting over one relationship by getting engaged to another....But I digress....
Am I ready to possibly meet someone else? Maybe. I typically like a good loooong celibacy run to clear my mind after some jackass breaks my heart. Oooh. Wait that sounded bitter... Let's try that again.
I usually need  an extended period of time to reflect on the things that went wrong in the relationship and look at what I may have contributed to it's demise.

Yeah, that was WAY better. HA!

What I need to know though, is, how does this whole routine work? Where do I meet men who will ask me for my number and then offer to take me out? I doubt I should be trolling the clubs. Do I show my independence and pay for my own way? What if this person is a total A-Hole? Should I drive separately, just in case? I guess what I'm missing is the process. Aw hell, I can't lie; even writing that makes me feel like an inexperienced, insecure  17-year-old. What strong, smart, woman doesn't know how to do this? *Raising Hand High* This one right here.

Said friend even suggested an ONLINE DATING SITE!  *GASP* I could NEVER subject myself to that! The very idea of it seems so CREEPY! WHO does that? Isn't it just a bunch of creepy guys? (Seriously here, I'mma need some feedback if anyone's ever done it) Don't you have to pay for those things? I don't need to go on a shitty date THAT badly! ...Or do I....?  hmmmm.... I mean, I AM new to this city. I only know four people here. How the hell else am I going to get back in the game?

I like the whole dating process to be a bit more organic. The problem is, it is PAINFULLY obvious that my method has NOT worked for me thus far. So I may have to give this whole thing some real consideration. Fix-ups and online dating seem so contrived. And we all know that you could potentially create an entire persona online, post a fake pic and next thing I know, I'll end up on a date with somebody who doesn't know how to use utensils, sweats profusely, (!!)  and looks like his parents are related.

Before you go jumping on your soapbox, don't act like looks aren't important. I am fully disclosing that I like hot men. A persons personality isn't the first thing anybody notices, especially if you're only seeing their picture or have only just met. If I'm not remotely attracted to somebody, it isn't going to work out. So save the whole speech about being shallow. It definitely isn't the only, or even most important thing, but it IS important.

So, I have been given a deadline. I have ONE month to meet someone on my own and go out on a real date. If I don't make it happen by then, this chick is going to sign me up for an online dating forum. I'm just not trying to go that route. I'm a tiny bit terrified here. I don't know how I'm going to make this happen!

But if I don't get my ass back out there, I will surely spend this next chapter of my life collecting cats and making my own candles. I can't have that. I may be battered and bruised but I'm not broken.  I'm still too hot & sexy to lock it up already. ; ) Yeah, I said it.

One month kids. ONE MONTH. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, feel free to offer any advice or share any good or any horror stories (which I'm FAR more interested in!) haha! Now I gotta go find me a hot man to go have an uncomfortable dinner with! Where shall I start.....?


  1. Girl please......just bring your happy ass back to Middle TN and hang out with me for a weekend. I'll have you your very own Cupcake, Noodle, or Jack Hammer in NO time!! It will be horribly fabulous!

  2., I would like to clarify a couple of things, being the friend that is so terribly MAKING Ms. Diaz LIVE. First and foremost, it is 2 (TWO) months she has to get a date. I will be in Greece for 3 weeks and I know it will be hard to get a date in a new city with no wing man. SECOND...I am simply looking out for a dear friend. Not having awkward first dates is like...hmm...well, not having In and Out. Unless there are strict religous (legitmate Lori, NOT made up by the religion of Lori) rules AGAINST it, it should be experienced so that when it is time to travel to the Pearly Gates, one can chit chat with ol' St Peter or Paul or whoever it is and reminisce about the days of life filled with good times (In and Out) and bad (fill in the blank) and just plain old funny (datin!). Dating is a rite of passage, a coming of age moment if you will. Plus, they're just great stories thus benefiting both you and your friends! One learns people, learns conversation: when is an appropriate time to bring up past relationships, when too much sharing is reallly, truly a bad thing, and how to screen phone calls and texts. It makes you realize that although you are suffering in the moment of the intial greeting (handshake, hug, partial hug?) it is not NEARLY as awkward as the moment of good bye with a really bad date, knowing he's totally feeling it and is def gonna go in for the kiss, and you get to dodge and possibly avoid all together the attempt. Really great way, FYI, is in the car, get the keys out, ready to pounce out and discuss how tired/gassy/busy you are. Jump and at best handskae as you exit. No room for "I'll walk you to the door." If you sense it early on in dinner be polite (still gotta get that dinner paid for!) and start in with said excuses. But first and foremost remember this is a great learning venture and sociology experiment that when you have found the man that you ACTUALLY want to go on a second (maybe third) date with you will in fact THANK me. I will take the gratitude humbly and will not rub it in your face.
    So, until that time, I am your wingwoman and will try to line you up with non-dispicable people (hello...dude who had a gun and stuff at the bar?).
    Once you get past those first awkward phone calls that come before the first awkward date (although you are lucky because in the era of texting, some of those phone calls are avoided) we will then discuss the how many dates v. how many bases rule you will NEED to set for yourself.
    You're welcome in advance

  3. I apologize profusely Karin. I stand corrected. TWO months. I have TWO months. Ladies & Gents, meet Karin, AKA the Bubbles reference. Also, my dating drill sergeant.

    Erin, I'll be there this summer. We'll troll for men TOGETHER! LOL

  4. GOOOO Karin!!!!!
    LORI - SUCK IT UP and go out there and LIVE!!! Bad dates are what absolutely WONDERFUL girl talk is all about!
    Supermarkets, parks, cooking class wineries all places to find a nice guy who's willing to go out on a date... I agree you are still young and hot to put it away WOOHOOO I look forward to seeing/reading about your progress.
    Now get it going missy

  5. Ok, I'm not one to talk, having been married for so god dang long and all, but I have this to say ( I say it to all newly single woman) I highly recommend at least one fling. And by fling I mean complete eye candy that you use, yes USE, to satisfy your ego, cleanse your palate from the last guy and refresh your mind, body and soul for the next serious guy. Most flings know they're being used and are happy to oblige, so don't worry about breaking any hearts. I find them ABSOLUTELY necessary for any woman getting back out there.
    As for dating, please be sure to get to know the men in the company of your women friends, until you are comfortable enough to know you are safe. Daytime dates in public and all that. It's a scary world and we wanna know you'll be ok.

    Best of luck!!

  6. I am with you girl except I think I'm up one date on you. I've tried the online dating thing a couple of time and don't think all of the guys on those sites are creepy BUT it's sooooo much work and I didn't have the patience.

    Good luck on your quest, can't wait to see where it goes!

  7. I am LOVING the commentary this has opened up. Libby, OK maybe not allllll of the guys but....I still feel very leery of it.
    I guess I have two months to do something so I don't have to find out first hand! LOL