Monday, July 5, 2010

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

No matter how sour things have ever gotten with me & the opposite sex, I have tried very hard not to become a jaded "man-hater" kind of woman. That shit is just not sexy. So it has been with extreme caution that I've referenced things that have bothered me about the opposite sex & I've chosen to be very specific in the He(s) that I've referred to and tried hard not to generalize.

This post won't be like that.

Today was the Fourth of July Block Party on my street. Some of the neighbors paid to be able to close off the street, they put out a flyer to the residents and asked everyone to contribute a little something. There was music and a couple of kegs of beer. A good time was to be had by all. And to be fair, it really was a successful gathering.

However, in the span of 3 or 4 hours I had two different men tell me and my mother separately that I was too strong or tough to talk to and that I "intimidated" them. One actually told me that I scared him a little. (insert crickets chirping here.)  The dude who said what he did to my mother told her that I was so "hard" that I "came off as mean" & that he wasn't "even sure how to act" around me. This is a person I've exchanged perhaps FIVE sentences with. How in the hell did he come to that conclusion??!   ....THE HELL!?!?!

Now even though this last guy is clearly an idiot, this isn't the first time that I've heard something like it. You know that saying that a man wants "a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom"? Well, a lot of us women have a few things that WE want from you men.

Pay attention now:  If being smart, assertive, strong & confident makes us too "intimidating" for you, then that makes you an unacceptable candidate for the task. And  here is my response to it:

Pussies need not apply. Do not pass go. Keep it movin' Son.

 I'm DONE with this whole idea that the only way I'll ever be considered approachable is if I buy into this meek, subservient bullshit. I'm not doing any song & dance routine to get a man's attention. I have a brain and opinions & I won't bow down or slouch my shoulders or walk around looking at the ground  to bag ANY man EVER. If your ass is too scared to climb the mountain, then stand down. You'll be saving us both a lot of time.

And since this seems to be such an issue I'll spell it out for ya. I want a man who is strong and loving and masculine and sensitive all at the same time. A man who is not afraid to let me see him be weak but will knock a person out who tries to harm his or mine. Someone who knows that while I AM strong enough to take care of myself and all that may get thrown my way, that there are times that I need him to step in and take over. I want a partner. Not a son. I want a MAN not a wimp. A man who can say "I love you" just as easily as he can say, "You are acting a damn fool & when you cool off, we'll resolve this." Someone who knows that while individually we are amazing, that together we are a force. One who values my opinion & seeks out my thoughts on things because he knows that I contribute something positively. Someone who knows that while I am just fine on my own, that with him I can be better.

What I'm not having any more is some dude who is so tore up & twisted about how great I am but "it just isn't the right time" or I'm "so great, but I'm not sure how to make this work." Or even someone on some super macho bullshit either. I'll not have someone tell me when or where I need to be or how to spend MY money or time. Get your mind right. Get yourself a set and then come holler at me. Think I'm too strong now? Psh. You ain't seen nothing yet. Think you're not sure if you can? You're probably right. I will not change to subscribe to any bullshit mentality. I'll die alone before I do. Do not think for one second that I'll drop my standards to make anyone else's shit feel better. There are plenty of women out there who are just fine stepping into those shoes. I am not one of them. 

*Steps off soapbox*


  1. LOVED your post, mama! Don't change for anyone because the guy who wants "that girl" won't be the type of guy you want anyway. If he gets intimidated just talking to you, there's no way he'll be able to keep up with you once you're dating. So better that they weed themselves out early. You are way too fabulous to lower your standards! ;)

  2. "If being smart, assertive, strong & confident makes us too "intimidating" for you, then that makes you an unacceptable candidate for the task."

    I'm going to put this on a business card and hand it out to men.

    There are way too many people who love you exactly the way that you are. And if a man doesn't want to join those ranks, I don't want to know him.

  3. I believe it was Marilyn Monroe who said

    "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

    As far as I'm concerned, those men who are intimidated by you, definitely aren't the ones to have around during a crisis or emergency.

    To quote Anjelah Johnson's character BonQuiQui ..."sa-KU-rity (pause) NEXT!"

  4. That's right don't change for anyone. You end up loosing yourself. Great post! I enjoy reading your blog :-)

  5. this is my favorite post of yours!! i run into the same sitation.. the whole "you're unapproachable" thing. love it! (the post, not the situation_ haha)

    ps_ aren't you proud, i learned how to follow you ;)

  6. funny shit...intimidated?? really?? you?? your as soft as burger buns do not mince your words and i love it...maybe my opinion is skewed to the casual observer because i have known you for some time. Truth be told, that is the key because any man and i do stress the word MAN that takes time and actually gets to know you will learn to appreciate all you bring to the table.

  7. I am always so elated when people take the time to comment here. My intention when I set off to write this blog was to vent. To be heard. The comments always feel like a validation. Even the bad ones would. (Luckily, none yet...but I'd accept them equally.)

    To you, lone male commenter; I thank you.
    But please, don't go telling folks just HOW "soft" I CAN actually be. You'll ruin my reputation.... ; )