Tuesday, June 29, 2010

"The good news is you haven't found it yet. The bad news is you haven't found it yet." -Anonymous

See the thing is; I moved 2,291 miles. I am certainly not standing still waiting for anything. I've been out on my little date thing. I'm obviously moving on. I've biked, run & walked hundreds of miles across this city. I'm definitely keeping busy. I've had hundreds of long conversations. I've cleared out my iPod from anything that could force my thoughts to places it shouldn't be. I've thrown away the letters. I've burned the pictures. I gave away the gifts. I have done everything that everyone has told me. I've listened to all the advice in all it's shapes and forms. Clearly I'm not sitting around waiting for something that is not ever going to come back.

One little wrench in the plan though. I may have fooled my brain. But not my heart. Never my heart. My heart can not be tricked. It knows that I gave it away long ago. There was no return address on that package. You may sit here reading and think me a fool. Judge my naivete. My foolishness. Hell, I've done that twice as many times as you have. But my heart is the most stubborn part of all of me. And it will simply give when it is ready to do so and not moment before.

I don't get into a pool toe first. I jump right in. I don't laugh with a hand over my mouth. I'll cackle and snort if the joke is that funny. I don't eat fat free food and I don't drink Diet Coke. So it shouldn't surprise any of you that I don't love half-assed either. There isn't one ounce of me that isn't all in.  And when it ends, I don't just go looking to hook up with the next guy to replace the last one. Maybe the statute of limitations for others is 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. I don't know what mine is. I just know that I shouldn't feel bad about not just "letting it go." In fact, I am proud of the way that I love.

Just because a relationship is over doesn't mean that love stops.  Love isn't a switch that you turn off. It doesn't just leave when you demand it to. And just because I know that a relationship IS in fact over, doesn't mean that it's no longer how I feel. I'm always so curious about people who just flit form one person to the next telling each one along the way that they "love" them. How is that possible? Is there some endless well that I've not been made aware of? Because I give mine away sparingly. I recognize is as the gift that I think it should be. You don't go giving away the good stuff to just anyone do you? So why then would you with your heart? My love may not be the smartest thing, but it is the thing that makes me stronger...isn't that funny? The very thing I fear may break me is the thing that in the end, always makes me stand tall.

So maybe it takes me longer than everyone else to get over. That's OK with me. I know that what I have to offer & have shared is the stuff people write songs about. (If that sentence just made you laugh/cry/snort, that was meant for you. Thanks to you I know that I'm not alone out there in my position.) The thing that epic love stories get written from. That thing that  shapes sonnets and soliloquies. The thing that once you have felt it, leaves you forever a changed person. I'll get it right.

Who would have thought that a Puerto Rican from Brooklyn could be so idealistic, huh?

God will have me at the exact place & time that it's all meant to happen. In the meantime, I'll thank you in advance for your advice and attempts to get me to have a little fun. I'm good. I promise. I'm having a great time even if my insides haven't healed 100%. Every day I smile a little more, laugh a little harder, remember a little bit less & forget a little more.

No comments:

Post a Comment