The bad thing about having things fall apart in one fell swoop is that it puts me in the sort of head space where I start to look inside myself for all that I have contributed. Does this make me special in any way? No. Problems befall everyone. Will I stay down? No. I'll wallow for a few days & then I'll be fine. But in this moment I realize that that annoying little bloom of doubt has waged itself into a full on attack of fear. This is not a new feeling for anyone, I realize. It's just not one that I often let myself acknowledge, let alone share...
When I look in the mirror lately I'm starting to notice that my skin isn't as tight as it used to be. I am not afraid to age, in fact I do understand the blessing that it is. So I'm ashamed to say that I have fallen victim to vanity. I am scared to no longer be seen as pretty or desirable. I'm afraid that I'm not fit enough to attract a mate. I look around & it seems that entire world has fallen in love. And I am not even remotely near that. Will I never feel that again? That connection to a soul that I don't share DNA with? I loathe admitting that sometimes, I succumb to loneliness.
Sometimes I eat my fears. I use food to replace the things that I feel are missing inside of me. Does it feel make me feel better? Sure. Good food, especially the shit that's bad for you tastes great. Then I feel the fear/shame/worry that I am no better than my alcoholic mother who I am so quick to judge. I just have a different vice, that's all. Who am I to point a finger? Booze, drugs, sex, food, exercise. We all have one. Or a few. I am not above it so I should be above the judgment. Yet, I stand on my soap box consistently & point outwards.
I worry that I am not good enough to raise my three girls to be good people because I am not always the moral compass I want them to be. I have a wicked temper, I make rash decisions & I curse like a sailor. Why should they look to me for anything? I didn't even love myself enough at the time to choose a good father for them. Then I added to that. I let someone into our lives who faked an entire 'life' with us. Who walked out of our lives without so much as a second glance back. My daughters will at some point have to deal with their Dad/Man issues because of MY mistakes.
I am terrible with money & finances. I spend in much the same manner that I eat. Because it provides a temporary fix to the thing that hurts. I will happily slap that card down knowing FULL well that there are more important things to handle. Because in that moment, I need to feel better. And I am selfish.
My relationship with God has fallen by the way side. I lost my faith along the way a couple years back & I haven't found it again because the truth is; I haven't looked for it. I only look up to the heavens when things are bad and even then it is only to ask "Why me?" I'm the worse offender too. Because I know God. And I have chosen to pretend that He isn't watching all the of stupid shit I've been up to.
I get to thinking about love again... Why should anyone try to see the good in me when I have so much trouble finding it in myself? I am admittedly a work in progress, but I am certainly not a girl of 22 with time to waste and the ability to keep making the mistakes that I make. I don't want to get stuck in this mind frame & get caught in some situation that I know I am better than because I'm not feeling like I deserve any better. When did it all get so complicated? When the fuck was it ever really easy?
The questions and the fear and the doubts can overwhelm the human spirit, can't they? Surely I am not the only one...
I sit here thinking & writing and I hear the following verse and I have my answer:
When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
Just trying to find a friend
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
Just trying to find a friend
-Pink "Sober"
Maybe I need to learn to be more forgiving of myself. Maybe I need to feel the bad so that I can work through it to get to the good. Maybe I'm in a funk. Maybe I'm a whiny ass who needs to suck it up. Or maybe, just maybe...I need to look into that mirror a little harder and see passed the exterior and find that girl I know I have somewhere inside & shake her ass up a bit. Maybe let her know that she is not alone & that it will work itself out in the end. And if it doesn't, then it isn't the end....
I'd like to applaud you for figuring out that you're human. And no, I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. Some people never figure this out. They never realize that they have flaws; that they do things incorrectly; that they stumble. They think they're perfect. The sad thing about those people is that they never grow. They never truly experience the good because they have never given in to the bad.
ReplyDeleteGrowing pains, mami... growing pains.
I'd rather have laugh lines than perfect skin. At least then other people will know I had a good time!
*Me singing in my best Michael Jackson voice" Yooou are not alooone...
ReplyDeleteThese are all thoughts we have gone through, at one time or another, on a daily basis, by the minute. Here's the thing, because you can ponder this, because you can question, because you are self aware, you are absolutely not the incarnation of your worst fears, but the exact opposite. Your daughters are clearly not dumb, and though they may see you for who you are, the good the bad the ugly, you will have given them the wisdom to discern for themselves what is best through your gift of honesty. Just because we are mothers does not mean we are to be perfect. We do the absolute best we can, and let the happiness, joy and personal success of our children speak for how well our job was done. I only know so much, but I can see your fears are yours alone. Turn away from the mirror and bask in the love and joy of your girls instead. There you will find your peace and forgiveness.
{{{{warm hug my friend}}}}
I felt this post...that song!
ReplyDeleteAfter being off the grid for a few days to do a little bit of soul searching and sorting of...well...stuff, I came back to this post and realized that I was still in the midst of my funk. And that it is OK to do so. And that I am not the only one.
ReplyDeleteAnd for that, I thank you three from the very depths...because it is when you see that others have walked a similar path & understand how you feel & come out of it OK that you truly grasp the meaning of the saying "The only way OUT is THROUGH."
I can def.relate with this post. I am 39 and lately have been feeling, well, older. I notice my skin is not as tight, etc...and I compare myself with younger women now. That of course is when I am in a funk..My boyfriend and I just broke up not too long ago so it adds to this feeling...ahhh so is life :0
ReplyDelete