An open letter to my Nashville Girls

Today I took the final steps in making this move go from something I merely talk about (and stress over) to becoming a reality. Homes have been released and apartments have been secured. Utility companies have been given disconnect days. Moving companies are being dwindled down by cost and reputation. The kid's school has been notified of official withdrawal dates. I started packing! Whoa. It all suddenly feels VERY scary. I am moving ACROSS.THE.COUNTRY. To where I basically know 3 people. Holy shit Batman!!

Even as I have mini panic-attacks throughout the day, I feel an equal sense of calm and comfort. Like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This move may seem completely crazy to some people but in the middle of all of the chaos and fear is this complete and total sense of clarity. My time here has expired. It is time to close this book. Not even move to a new chapter. My ass needs a whole new binding. I need a new BOOKSHELF. And I'm about to get me one. And I am so damn excited about it!

Packing however, poses a few challenges that I was unprepared for...save for the obvious, that packing just sucks. I've been sorting through what goes and what gets trashed and I've already come across so many memories that have reminded me that I have made (and am about to leave!) the most divine little circle of friends here. I am usually very wary of females. No, I'm not the kind of woman who hates on other chicks. I just don't usually mesh so well with them.  I'm far more like one of the guys than one of the girls. I curse like a sailor, I burp, and I have no use for marriage. See? Seriously though, up until moving to Nashville, I have had TWO good friends. Those 2 are so fantastic that I never hoped to have anymore. I would never deign to be so greedy.  Then by some delightful alignment of planets in the skies I met some women here who are amazing and will be missed so terribly that my heart aches just writing this.

We've formed a group so phenomenally different in so many ways that we probably shouldn't even BE friends. I mean WORLDS apart. Older, younger, intellectual, creative, silly, serious, party animals, teetotalers, lovers, fighters, sugar, spice, saints & angels...this group fits all of it. In those differences comes this magic that I never in my life could have imagined would have happened. Their support over the course of the passed year especially, has been invaluable to me. These girls have helped keep my ass from going right over the deep end. They've let me laugh, cry, curse, drink, talk, pass out, talk some more and some more and even then, some more. They've become additions to my family. Spent holidays with me and my children and family.

And I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss them more than any pretty words in the English language can ever do any of them justice. I'll miss Puerto Rican Sunday Fundays. I'll miss going to shows and restaurants and DANCING and Pure Barre-ing and shopping and drinking. I'll miss Cabana nights filled with gossip and love and wine and dessert! My heart hurts thinking about how limited these times will be after February.

It should be stated though that I worked as hard as I did to be sure that we are all on a certain social network for a reason. I will need constant communication with you all. Inside jokes will be in abundance and demanded. Trips to visit one another will happen. A LOT. For I believe in my heart of hearts that true friendship can never ever be diminished by time or distance. I believe we were all meant to be in each others lives to love and support each other. To make each other stronger, braver and better.

So this little post is especially for you my beautiful J Squad. You have enriched my life in so many ways. Big and small. You've touched the lives of my daughters. You've shown them that women are capable of healthy and significant relationships with one another. You've helped them deal with the pain they've dealt with this year. You put some of the color back in my life when my world went totally gray and you've breathed life back into my lungs when I was sure I was down to my last breath. You ladies are the model from which strong, positive, independent, fierce, loyal women were created. I know you will all blaze amazing trails for others to learn from and aspire to.

I'm only a phone call/text/Tweet away. So let's not let this be as bad as it may seem for the next few weeks. We are bound by something that a few silly states can't take away. When women come together, we become as we were meant to be. Unstoppable. I cannot wait to see what new journeys this new book will take me on...but it's the chapters that include you all that I know are going to make it that much better....

"It really only works out once." -JKF

I have just found out that I wasted the last 8+ years of my life. I want to be angry about it but I'm actually just sitting here laughing at how phenomenally fucking stupid I've been. Actually, not for the relationship part, but for the mourning period I've put myself through since. There is nothing like clarity to help you jump start your incentive to LET GO.

There is a saying that goes, "When somebody shows you their true colors, believe them." I have often quoted this one myself. Yet here I am justifying and then forgiving insult after insult, lie after lie, and transgression after transgression. What in the hell is wrong with me? This fool has been showing me every true color since the moment his weak ass hit the state line! His strength was derived from ME! And I let him take it with him for the last year!!

When you LOVE somebody, really love them. Like from the core of your soul and the very foundation by which your world used to stand is shattered and is forever changed as a result; you simply  DO NOT MOVE PAST IT THAT QUICKLY.  You can't. I don't care what you've convinced yourself. I don't care how much you ignore it and try to act like it doesn't exist. Things like that don't just GO AWAY. They get BURIED away.  You can bang as much new ass as you like and it won't change the truth.

Funny enough, just after this last one left, the one before him showed back up. It was actually a very similar situation. I'm the greatest thing on God's green earth blah blah blah. And the same way I knew it would play out, it DID. Here he was back again with the "I screwed up. I miss you. You were always the one. I'm miserable now. I coulda, I shoulda.Can we please..." All I heard was I'm WEAK. WEAK. WEAK. The SAME thing will happen with this one. Up until an hour ago, I have been a magnet for unavailable men. Ones who just couldn't man up when it came right down down to it. Still, I have had some of the most amazing, wonderful positive relationships EVER. Not any cheaters or liars. Things were great until the very last second that is, when they've turned tail on me. That shit just ended right now.

If you aren't coming hard, coming 100%, then stay away from me. I don't love easy, I am not weak and I don't tuck tail and run when the shit gets tough. No more will I permit this sort of person to gain access to me. When I love, I'm all in. I don't hang around for months, then years if I'm unsure. I love from the very fiber of my core. I don't give of my heart and soul easily so it is a personal affront to me that someone would come into my world, take and take and take and then shit on it because they aren't strong enough to hang in there when things don't fit it to their perfect little idea of what their life and real love is. And unlike those same people, I don't "just get over it" when said relationship ends. It takes me time to heal. It takes me time to mourn. It takes me time to move forward. Because I.Love.For.Real.

I don't want to get into something with somebody new and shit all over their world because I haven't finished dealing with the things that hurt me and I'm not yet over. I don't do that "get over one person with the next one" nonsense. It is not how it should be done because it isn't true. So yes, I may  have cried, and been sad and felt like absolute crap for the last year but I have been nothing but honest and real with mine. I'm not totally over it. I'm not ready to move forward. But when I do, and I will, it will be FINITE.

I'm not going to have to worry about old ghosts popping back up. Because I will have officially exorcised the demon. And when I DO move past it, and those lies come front and center...when the realization of the duplicity and foolish ways become clear,  DO NOT come calling me. I won't be here waiting. Right this second I may still a work in progress regarding this but I won't be for too much longer. I am taking my strength back. You don't deserve it and you didn't deserve me.

~ Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Henry Wadsworth

I must start with an apology to my lovely readers (all 6 of you!) for completely ignoring my little ranting page for over a month. I had a lovely birthday surrounded by loved ones and my delightful little circle of friends who are just so spectacularly good to me. With regards to my friends & family, I am a lucky, lucky girl.

It is with having just stated that, that I feel like the biggest shithead on earth for the next part of this entry.  I keep trying to keep my head up & my faith in front of me to get me through this period of my life. I have people in my world who would listen to me cry/moan/complain/rant endlessly but that's not how I'm built. For as much as I like to chat, there are things I just don't have the courage to speak out loud about. Things that are so out of the scope of my character that I hesitate to even write them here. To be honest, I'm even sort of sick of myself at this point, but I just don't feel good about much anymore. I mean about ME. Not my babies, or my family & friends.

Who took all of the color out of my life? When did my world go flat and gray? Does that even make sense to anybody else or am I really the only one who feels like this? Simple pleasures are lost. Food just doesn't taste as good. Even when I'm shoving it all in to fill the void, there is no real taste. I can't remember the last time I read a book.  Music only moves me when it makes my tear ducts react & I should mention that they should be paid time and a half or even double time these days. The only thing I feel to any real degree is sadness. Raw, ragged, all encompassing sadness.        

I find myself wishing my life away. Dreaming of a different time, another place, another Me. Daydreaming for hours on end. Turning the phone off. Communicating through abstract quotes and song lyrics.  How do I get ME back? I haven't been able to muster up the damn energy to WRITE this blog. You know, because sitting in my PJs, drinking a glass of wine in front of my computer BY MYSELF jotting down the nonsense that my brain puts forth is such a tremendous task. What is that all about? What is wrong with me?

I'm not a sad person. This isn't normal for me, and yet, I have moved very comfortably into it's zip code and my plot of land is growing at an alarming rate. I find myself holding onto my little girl's hugs for extended time...and not just because I love for them to hug me, but because I need an extra moment to compose myself. In case you didn't know, it scares the kiddies when Mommy doesn't stop crying. Text me, call me, sit near me and chat with me and I'll give you the impression that I am just dandy. The irony in it is that I am now a wonderful actress. (Said with as much distaste as Italics can imply) I am the very thing that I hate. A liar. Pretending to be what I am not for everyone else's approval & comfort.

My rational brain wants me to kick my own ass & tell me to suck it up and move forward, but something very dark has taken hold and that other part is taking over more and more every day. (I'm a Libra, for anybody into that sort of thing.) I've become an emotional cutter. Withdrawn. Isolated. Irrational. Angry. (Oh wait. That part is actually normal)...and I am quite comfortable here. Numbness would be great if it were permanent, but alas, not the case. I feel this weariness. I'm wearing it like my favorite pair of shoes.

So NOW what? I've put it out there. Others can read it and weigh in and have an opinion. Will it motivate me to get the fuck over it? (That's really what you're thinking, right?) Yeah, I'd like to say that it will. I'm not so sure. It all feels a little out of my control.  Like I'm in here somewhere but my body is on cruise control. I don't know what it's going to take. I do know that I miss enjoying things. I miss lauging because something really is funny, not because it's the part where I'm expected to. I miss warmth. This constant cold isn't comfortable. It'd be nice to wake up without SOME part of me hurting or aching. I want to feel better, I do. I just don't really remember how or even what that is anymore.

Another candle on the cake

I love my birthday. LOVE it.  It is MY own holiday.  In fact, I love it so much, I usually celebrate birthday week.  Not just for me either.  I do birthday week for my children too.  I like the whole thing too.  I like cake. I like presents.  I like cards.  I like gatherings with the people that I love and who love me. I like champagne and wine...and there is usually plenty of that flowing for my birthday festivities! There are holidays for all kinds of stupid shit,  (Please do NOT get me started about Valentine's day...) but birthdays are the day the good Lord gave us to celebrate ourselves. 

Well, I haven't been my usual chipper party self this year and that's really pissing me off right now. Yes, it's been an absolutely crap year but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that this is the first year I started to understand all of those women who cry on their birthday and sit in a dark room and will it away.  Yes kids. To add insult to injury and pile on to ALL the other injustices I've endured , this year gravity has begun to wage it's war on me. Now don't start planning all your replies to me about how great I "still" look and how I "look good for having had children."  Hear me out dammit.

You may have noticed if you've read the other posts that I am Puerto Rican. : )  Hence, I have always had a big ass.  I should pause here and make it very clear that I like having a big ass.  Well, in the past year, my lovely and most favorite body part has started to forget it's address and has started shacking up with my upper legs.  It's an absolute affront!  NOBODY wants the Butt-leg!!  WHY, I ask you, is my ass fooling around with my legs? What happened to the lovely curve there, that existed to separate the 2 properties?? Did it get evicted?  Oh, but yes it did. By none other than that rat bastard Gravity.

And Gravity is working on other parts of me too.  Don't think it's just working on just one region.  No sir.  It has started squatting on what used to be my upper arms and I now "lovingly" refer to as my mud flaps. (No, not those mud flaps...come on now. Get your minds out of the gutter. If I ever start blogging about my nether regions, I fully expect someone to come and confiscate my laptop.) You know what I mean, when you're waving and your entire arm jumps in on the action? If I waved with both hands I'd friggin take flight. Don't even get me started on the road map Gravity started on my forehead. When the hell did these lines start getting built? I know I frown quite a bit but DAMN! Now when I quit scowling, some of the squinty lines stay put. Then there are the dark circles and the random aches and pains I'll just wake up with. When did this all happen? Have I been so busy wallowing that I didn't notice? And could the past year be to blame for the aging I've suddenly started to endure? Oh Helllll NO!!

I know that aging is ultimately a privilege and that I should be gracious about it. I really do.  Truly, no matter how low I get I understand that every new day is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest and appreciated.  But I am not ready to start conceding defeat just yet either! I don't want to be sitting in my room all alone on my special day crying and waiting for it to be over.  So, yes, some things may have started to change. Maybe some of them I can do something about.  And maybe some of them, I'm just going to have to start getting used to.  But on this next birthday coming up, I am going to get my sad, sorry (newly located) ass all done up. I'm going to rock my highest heels. I'm going to straighten up my posture (even if I'll have that weird lower back thing later) and I am going to surround myself with those who truly love me. Who don't see any of these new changes(yet!) and see through to the real me and love me still. I'm going to endure the embarrassment of being sung Happy Birthday in front of a whole lot of strangers and prepare my lungs to blow out one more candle on the cake. I'm going to happily celebrate ME. And come what may in this next year, I am going to thank God for each new day he gives me and whatever he throws my way.

Change must come

If you've read this blog before, you know that times have been rough around here lately.  I have been feeling pretty low.  When I get down on myself, I tend to look at my contribution to the events that have occurred and ask myself what, if anything, I could have done to prevent them from happening.  Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed the outcome for the better?  Hell...I could drown in the "coulda shoulda wouldas" these days.  I'm 'bout sick of all of this damn moping.   I am not a damned wuss and I will not go out like this.  Well then kids, it is officially time for a change.  I truly believe that if you change your surroundings that things will change for the better.  A life Feng Shui  if you will.

I took a little trip last January during one of the darkest periods of my life.  I went to Sacramento to visit a dear friend and had a much needed get-away. In addition to getting to hang out with one of my most favorite people, I looked around and realized; I was in California! I was most unprepared for my reaction. I remember stepping out of that airport and feeling something that I had not felt for a long time here in Nashville.  I felt pulled...like that was the exact place I was meant to be at that moment.  In fairness, I am a New Yorker and I guess I kind of knew that I was not destined to live in the South forever. So I shouldn't have been totally shocked to have felt like my time here was ending.  Things happened here that made me believe I could stay.  Some of those very things changed completely and are the reasons this city just ain't home no more....

On that day though, I felt more at home than I had since I was a kid coming back to Brooklyn from summer vacations with my Dad.  The trip was fun, but now I was home... Except, my visit was the opposite of that.  When I got to my vacation destination, something clicked.  I don't really know why.  I just know that I have missed that feeling since.  I got back to Nashville and realized that this was no longer my home.  It stopped being as much somewhere along the way and I don't know exactly when that happened but I've felt lost here for a long time.  I just don't belong here anymore.  I guess I've known that deep down for a long time.

Something about California spoke to me. Drew me in. You might think me crazy trying to move clear across the country to a state that is in a financial disaster for nothing more than some gut feeling.  I concur. Having admitted that though, I've chosen to ignore my gut instinct a few times in my life and it's ended pretty disastrously so I'm just going to go for this.  Anyway, what have I got to lose really?  The only thing keeping me here is my family.  Guess what? They'll always be my family.  I'll miss them terribly, but they're making their own lives too.  I'm jobless.  Again.  What rooted me here has lost its damn mind and doesn't actually even exist anymore.  My friendships here are of the sort that I don't worry will fade.  I have made quite the circle here.  Some of these people have held my hand through the darkest hours.  Have laughed with me. Cried with me. Have eaten with me and my family... have become my extended family. The ones that matter will continue to be near and dear to my heart even if there is distance between us. Those ties, I don't worry about.

I will be sad leaving here though.  I'll cry like a damn fool when I go.  There are memories and places and people...  There are things that I am going to hate to leave behind and there are some others that I cannot wait to never see or think about again.  But I am SO ready for new places and faces and things.  I haven't had a sense of adventure about my life in so long.  I want to feel a spark about getting out of bed in the morning and looking forward to exploring new things.  I want my girls to enjoy the ocean and the mountains.  I want new friends and relationships.  I want to hike and swim and snowboard!  I'm ready.  It's time.  I can feel it.  If I stay here I'll die a slow one. So I bid you goodbye Nashville.  My days here are quite literally numbered and that's just fine by me!


In closing, I'll borrow a few words from someone who has already said them perfectly before me:

"It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change gon' come..."